Tales from the Oracle

Another Happy New year

2012-01-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

So 2011 has come and gone and we are facing a brand new year huh?
Well beside the fact that it will take me 2 months to actually get the date right, and that my tags are officially expired,.....Not much has changed.

I'm pretty sure that all the fat f@ckers out there have made the same New Year's resolution that you made last year......To go to the gym and lose some weight, huh?
Well, the simple fact that you are still fat should tell you that it didn't work last year and it probably isn't gonna work for you this year.
The first step in making progress is admitting that you have a problem......but denial is very natural and I understand and will not judge you.
I'm just saying that maybe you should stop kidding yourself and set a resolution that is more realistic...like eating only one big mac a week.......you know......baby steps.
But at least you drink Diet Coke.....I'm sure that makes a big difference with you Super-Size Fries.

My New Years Resolution is to minimize my alcohol consumption and become less dependant on worldly things.
I'm not making any promises, but I'm taking baby steps.
The hardest part about sticking to your resolution, is setting a realistic goal.
So to all of my beautiful fat people out there......Keep it real.
Stop listening to these anorexic models and talk-show hosts, who feel that you have to show your rib cage in order to be sexy.
Don't go out and buy an expensive Treadmill.
We all know how this story is going to end.....
If not, then just hit the rewind button and go back to 2011 and you can get a preview of 2012.
There is nothing more sexy than a big ass. Strut that stuff and aim for something like having a good "head Game" and a great personality. When those skinny B*tches get old, they'll look like tatering mummy's.
No disrespect........I'm just saying

Going All In

2012-01-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that I have quoted William Earnest Henley before, but just in case I haven't, I want to reference the Poem "Invictus" for this blog.
In this super awesome poem, he says "if you can make one heap of all your winnings, and risk it all on one turn of pitch and toss,.....and lose and start again at your beginning, and never breath a word about your loss".

Can you really do that?
I tried it a few times at the casino, but I ended up walking away cussing every MoFo at the table,......
especially that punk-ass dealer who spinned that double Zero at the roulette table.

Then it finally dawned on me that he wasn't talking about money.
When Mr. Henley said winnings, he was talking about every thing that you have achieved in life.
He was talking about taking a chance to reach for the stars.......The moon,.....The Heavens.
The pursuit of greatness takes everything that you have. You can't put forth the minimum and expect great results.
You have to be willing to lose everything in order to gain everything.
So I ask the question....Are you really ready to go "All In"?
It doesn't matter if you are a man or woman.......In order to risk everything, you have to have balls (proverbial balls of course)

In the words of the great Project Pat...."you know what the problem is with the average mu fucka? Niggas aint got no vision....All they wanna do is ride around town in a clean car....sportin some expensive jewelry.....or a big bank roll to impress some bitch.........BUT THATS THE SHORT CHEESE"
In case you aren't from Memphis Tennessee, what he means is that people don't think and plan for the long term.... all they do is think about today and when they do that, they fuck up tomorrow.

I want to encourage you to step out on a limb and reach for your dreams. Even if you don't reach the stars, you will still land on the clouds.....and that's much higher than where you are now.
Isn't it?

You do what you want, but Me.....GTP, I'm about to go all in.

Late Hit

2012-01-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

Encroachment,......15 yard penalty.......Repeat 1st down...( oh, and by the way, F-u dirty MoFo)

I know that every one has heard of kicking a man while he is down.
That is the subject of this blog.

I mean DAMN......
He's already been tarred,,,,,,,beaten....and crucified.
Why do you feel that he should be subjected to your individual "Player-Hater-Aid"

You either forgive a person for their transgressions ,,,,,or you don't.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
You can't lick your Lolly pop and expect it "not to melt"
You can't ......Well, that's non of your Tatering business,....But You Cant Do That either.

If the play is over and the Ref has deemed the player out of bounds,.......
You can't keep hitting the MoFo.
That's just bad business and poor etiquette. (Good thing for Spell Check B/C I didn't know how to spell "Et\i- whatever".

If you ever decide to forgive someone for something, then it is very important that you "REALLY" forgive them.
Don't lie to yourself and pretend to forgive them, if deep down inside you have nothing but resentment and hatred for trhem...,,,,
You will only hurt yourself and them.
\Truth Hurts.....But Lies hurt more.
Grow some balls, and speak your heart.

Other wise, deal with the consequences of a pissed off "dude or female".

Gtp- Out

Yo Momma

2011-12-26T02:48:00.000-08:00

Yeah,........

So you have been living most of your life as a complete Tatering lie.
Sorry, I really didn't want to be the one who told you that, but apparently, those free loading fuckers you call friends are nothing more than "Free Loading Fuckers".
A true friend would have told you the truth about things that really matter.

They would have told you that your breath stinks.......your deodorant is less than par(at most)...... your girlfriend is the subject of the annual OMG award (not the good one) and you are completely out of touch\with reality when it comes realizing that you are being used as a vaginal tool by that low-class hooker you call a girl friend,

See......
I just exemplified the characteristics of a "TRUE FRIEND",
Isn't it ironic, how being a good friend hurts soooo fucking bad?

I totally get it.
I also realize why I don't have that many friends

My Facebook page says that I have like 700 Friends..........Wow.
I really have less than 7, but whatever.......

If you need facebook to remind you when my Birthday is
Then you either aren't my friend.......or you are like me and aren't good with dates. (There are only 7 people who can claim that excuse)

So about Yo Momma,
I was just thinking about how hott mom's today are.

It doesn't matter if she is a soccer, band, track, or even Thespian mom,..........Mom's today are super hott. (Well,...some of them)

That ugly ass mega van that they drive,
are sooooooo sexy.
\
In 2012, we're all about MPG (Miles Per Gallon).
You tell me whats more sexy.......
A..........**** rolling in a Lexus (that gets 20 Miles Per Gallon)
OR
B..........**** rolling in a
Ford Taurus( getting close to 37 MPG)

??????????
I know that it is a hard choice to make, but "On the Reals.....)
There is no F****** choice to be made)

We are gonna be ganstsa and rep the mutha Fuckin Hood.

SMD (suck my D) and KMA (kiss my Ass)........at the same time or spread it out......Whatever MOFO.
I'm rolling with the Tauraus.......37mpg sounds pretty damn good.......Don't you think?
If not........Then you can refer to the manual about how I am soooo awesome and holla at ya boy. I am ready. Thanks

jo momnma

Insanity

2011-12-26T01:36:00.000-08:00

The informal definition of insanity is ......doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome.
hahahahahaha..,,,,
Well I guess that means that everyone is insane....right?

We all believe in hope and change......Well, at least most of us.

To believe that something or someone will change after years of being the same way is almost ludicrous.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks......

If you think that is merely a statement, then you might want to reconsider your stance.

Regardless if you believe in horoscope signs or Chinese Calender Projections, you can not deny the fact that a person is the person they will be, by the time they reach adulthood.
It's not like they will wake up one day and suddenly be completely different than the person they were the day before..........Right?

Therefore, it is insane for you to believe that your _________________....(Fill in the blank: Abusive, Selfish, Inconsiderate, Spineless, Poor Excuse of a Partner) will suddenly become this amazing person you envision them to be in your dreams. You can not change people......You can only change yourself.
If you truly accept them for who they are, then you can only blame and change YOURSELF.

If you can not come to grips with the fact that either, you have to accept your situation, or you have to cut your losses and move on, then you are doing nothing more than repeating the same actions and expecting different results.
Like I said at the beginning, that is the definition of.......INSANITY.

If you aren't INSANE.......You aren't in LOVE.
A life without love is a waste of breath...........
Donate it to someone who can use it and kick rocks.........and probably the bucket too.

(disclaimer: It was a tatering joke "kind of", I am not responsible for any attempts to end your life, just because you are emotionally unstable enough to take that last statement seriously.....*****dumbAss***)

Life is a roller coaster.......filled with ups and downs......twists and turns.......
The only thing that differentiates fear from fun, is.......FAITH.
You either have it, or you don't.

Killa B.J.

2011-12-26T00:31:00.000-08:00

Ha....ha......
I know by the title you thought I was going to be talking about some awesome Head action....Huh?
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am talking about an old friend of mine who I recently bumped into. Me and Killa B.J. go back all the way to 1993. We used to be competitive at every thing.....basketball, collecting cards, job hours......tatering everything.
We haven't spoken in years and he called me out the blue a few weeks ago and let told me how much he enjoyed reading my blogs.
If you haven't noticed, I haven't posted a new blog in ...........I don't know, A long ass time.
I have had a lot to write about but I really didn't feel like putting the shit out there. Killa B.J. motivated me to keep on, keeping on.......if not for myself,.........then for the people who read my shit.

So, here is the next blog.
At the corner of Winchester and Riverdale there is a homeless lady who sings and dances every day for donations to her next crack party. I saw her again today...(Christmas) and she was soooo happy to be out there performing for all of her adoring fans.
See, I was raised to take pride in what I do.......no matter what the Tater it is that I do.
If I sweep floors, then be the best damn floor sweeper that has walked the face of this Earth.

Apparently, she was raised the same way, cause home girl was dancing her ass off like she was auditioning for America's Got Talent or some shit like that.

A crackhead is like a loyal pitbull.......
They will be down for you no matter what you do.
(As long as you provide them with their life line........Crack)
Unlike drug dealers, I offer my wonderful crackheads a substance that is just as addictive as crack....Jesus Christ
I wish I had a few dollars so that I could have contributed to her next GFU session (Get Fucked Up), but I didn't. But deep inside, I knew she understood that I appreciated her performance when I stuck my head out the window and shouted........"Go Shawty......its your Birthday......Whoop .....Whoop"
How do I know????????
I don't know.....maybe by the way she took her wig off and waved it at me, screaming........."Hey Fat Daddy....Merry Christmas Baby".
But what really made me appreciate her was when I pulled up to the next light (only about 100ft away).
There was this homeless guy at the intersection looking all grimy and holding a sign saying "Homeless and Hungry".

Normally, that would almost jerk a tear (NOT) and cause me to donate to his next 40oz of beer, but after seeing the b**** at the previous light bust a move like the Jackson 5, I felt like this guy was "Gold Bricking" (Gold Bricking= putting forth the minimun effort to get by and nothing more).
From now on, If you aint putting on some kind of Broadway Stage production.......and you want me to give you some money........you are gonna be S.O.L. (Shit out of Luck).

So you can consider this a Public Service Announcement......
If you Hungry, Homeless, and Hopeless, and you want me to give you some money........
You gonna have to bust a Mother Tatering Move.
If BoomSheeka at the corner of Winchester and Riverdale can take enough pride at what she does and go "HAM" at begging by putting on a decent performance, then you need to invest a little bit of time as well.
That lame ass"need money" sign shit is sooooooo 2010.
You need to upgrade.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.......(The key word being NEW........impress me)
I know the U.S. Dollar has declined in value, but I know a few people on Third Street who appreciate a Dollar......
So If you want to stand at an intersection and hold up a sign and expect money.........
You might want to consider putting together an impressive routine.....

Otherwise, I'm taking my business to Winchester and Riverdale.

Call me what you want......but, don't you dare call me "Collect...........Bi-atch"

GTP....out

Merry Christmas......Nicka

......I See you BoomSheeka.......Whoop ....Whoop....If I could afford some beads, I would get you some

But times is hard.

.LOL

Coming To America

2011-11-30T17:29:00.000-08:00

My favorite movie in the entire world is none other than "Coming To America". I mean......it was a taterin classic.
Eddie Murphy was amazing (all 3 or 4 characters he played).
So recently, I had the opportunity to go back to Africa for a visit. Getting there was no problem.....however, getting back was a true adventure.

The flight over the Atlantic Ocean is like 11.5 hours, which doesn't include the time it takes you to get to the Atlanta International air port from your respective city.
For someone like myself, who is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), sitting still in a small chair for 11.5 hours is like being buried alive in an underground coffin......needless to say "it sucks".

My adventure back to America began with African Airport Security.
You know how Americans bitch and complain about how violated they are when they have to allow a machine to x-ray their bodies naked?????
Well over there, they don't have machines that do that..........
So they do it themselves.......BY HAND.

While I was in line about to be searched (for the 3rd time), I saw this lady in front of me getting searched....
O....M.....(Taterin)....G
I couldn't believe how thorough they were searching that woman.
I was almost compelled to start whistling and throwing out dollar bills for the hot girl on girl action that appeared to be going on in front of me.
Shit.....if she could fit a bomb in those places, she would be Houdini.

So after making it through the numerous levels of security with at least half of my manhood still in tact, I finally boarded the plane and was set to return home.
We made a stop in Accra, Ghana to pick up additional passengers, in order to make sure the airline made as much money in one flight as possible (blood suckers).

As fate would have it, the plane had some mechanical issues and after 6 hours of sitting on the runway, we were eventually deboarded and forced to leave the airport without our luggage. That means, No change of clothes, no toiletries, no phone chargers, ect.
So when we re boarded 20+ hours later, it was understandable that everyone wasn't smelling quite so rosy fresh.
It was hotter than an old school Chevy, sittin on chrome, with 1 nigga, 2 Mexicans, and 3 kilos in the trunk...........That's pretty damn hot huh? (woop-woop, there go da po-po's)

Finally, we were in the air and all was good. I had the A/C on, my headphones on blast, and endless movies playing on the private tv screens. It was a pretty cool ride back.

Someone forgot to send me the taterin memo that Memphis was covered in snow, so I was freezing my ass off in shorts and a damn Hawaiian shirt when I stepped outside terminal to hitch a ride home.

I only told you 15% of my trip, because I know you fuckers are ADD too and I didn't want to lose you. Holla at me when you see me and I will tell you the rest.

2's

Making Seven an Even Number

2011-11-26T09:30:00.001-08:00

This is probably the 1st of my last 7 blogs. Words can be a strong weapon, and once you release them, they can never truly be taken back. Only sugar-coated and blamed on emotions.

After many traumatic situations in my life over the past year, I have finally understood what God has been telling me the whole time. There may have been times in everyones life when they knew that it was only by the grace of God that they are still here today.
In all things you do, remember this:
"Do what is right; then if men speak against you, calling you evil names, they will become ashamed of themselves for falsely accusing you when you have only done what is good. Remember, if God wants you to suffer, it is better to suffer for doing good than for doing wrong! Christ also suffered. He died once for the sins of all us guilty sinners, although he himself was innocent of any sin at any time, that he might bring us safely home to God" 1 Peter 3:16-18.

Life is too short to hold grudges against any person.
Someone who I have always held in the highest regards showed me that true power is having the power to let go.
As much as a I thought about traveling the paved road that others have laid before me, I can not be upset that I haven chosen the least traveled, as the right one.

If you can not accept responsibility for your own wrong doings then you have not acheived true maturity.
The easiest act in life is to lie......it is almost natural when you consider the nature of self-preservation.
The hardest act is to tell the truth.....and accept the consequences of those actions.

I would rather go into battle at the side of an honest coward, than that of a lying hero.
Don King was always in Mike Tyson's corner......until he got his ass knocked the fuck out.
..........On to the next one....huh?

I may not always have a bed to sleep on,,,,,,,,but I will always have a clear concious when I lay my head down....even if the floor is ice cold.

She Did It For Love

2011-09-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself, up in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason.......and flipping through the channels trying to find something decent to watch on TV?

If you have,......then you probably know that there isn't shit on besides info-mercials and ........more info-mercials, trying to sell you shit and tell you how fat you are......because from a marketing stand point,....only lazy fat mother taters are up at that time of night.

Well, I have found myself up at weird hours of the morning watching these depressing shows.
That is,.....until I found the animal channel.

I was watching this show about this family of wild dogs.
In the episode I watched, this mama dog had just given birth to a batch of young pups and as they got older, she had to go out and hunt for food to feed them.
She came home to find some huge predator trying to eat her babies.

Now, keep in mind that she is a fucking dog.....and the thing trying to eat her babies is like a lion.
There is absolutely, no chance in hell that she can possibly win that battle.

So, while I am sitting there watching the show.....I am saying out loud....."run stupid bitch (literally).....you can't beat a lion" ......I watched her charge at the lion in order to protect her beloved pups.
(S M H)
sure enough, he killed her almost instantly and enjoyed a buffet of wild dog and puppy chowder.

Even though it made more sense for her to save her own life and produce more babies, it was only natural that she sacrifice herself in order to protect her young.

There is nothing in the world that can replace something that you love. It is more than sentimental.....some things are irreplaceable.

If you won the lottery and had no one to share it with, it would be worthless.
So when you see people do stupid things, for people they love,.........
Know that sometimes, ......love has the capability to make stupidity disappear.
If you have ever known love, then you have known stupidity, at some point or another.

If you have not......then you haven't understood how much ignorance can be truly bliss.

Leap of Faith

2011-09-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

Back in high school, I used to run track. Well, honestly, I really didn't do much running. I was more of a field event specialist (I wasn't that special). My most troubling event was the triple jump. Never in my life, had I ever jumped off of my right foot before, and the triple jump demanded me to jump off of it twice, before making the third jump with my dominant left one. At first I told the coach that I couldn't do it, but he saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. So I took a chance and stuck with it. Eventually, I mastered the technique and it quickly became my best event.

All that was said in order to set the foundation for today's topic.........Leap of Faith.
In life, you have to make some very important decisions.......which job to take.....weather or not to accept a promotion.......to move to a new city.....when to have kids.....when to get married....who to marry....ect.

All of these decisions require you to take a leap of Faith.
Jumping without knowing where or how you are going to land. You only have faith that you will land safely without breaking your legs.....or even worst....not land at all.

Taking the safe route and only jumping when you know that you have a safe landing spot is probably the prudent thing to do. However, I learned from the triple jump in high school, that the most rewarding jumps can be the ones that are the hardest.
I learned from life, that when you take leaps of faith and break your legs upon landing.....it takes years before you are able to walk again.....sometimes......you are crippled for life.
All from taking one huge leap of faith.

When you decide to take a leap of faith, you have to leave the mountain you jumped from behind and pray that there is water on the next mountain, otherwise, you will die a slow death of dehydration or end your misery and jump off the cliff.
So think twice before you take that leap, it could be a long way down if you miss your landing.
And the only person in the entire world you will be able to blame......will be that broke legged, mother Tater, with you in that lonely, dark, pit....YO DAMN SELF.

a moment of silence

2011-09-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

"Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani" (MATTHEW 27 VS 46')
As Jesus was dying on the cross, these were his final words.

although some of his persecutors thought that he was calling out to the prophet Elijah, the bible defines the words as "my god, my god,.....why have you forsaken me?".

Most people in this world will never know how much people have sacrificed for them.
They only see, know, and care about what they can see.

My great grandmother, grandmother, and mother (same as all fathers), have dedicated blood, sweat, and tears so that I can enjoy freedom......true freedom;

This blog is dedicated to all of those who can understand true sacrifice........
The giving of ones self, for another.
Putting your happiness, life, love, and liberty, aside for others to be able to move on and live productive lives.

On the 10th year anniversary of 9-11,
let us take a moment of silence for all those who have lost a special person on that terrible day.

Where were you?

Where were you when it happened?

I know exactly where I was and what I was doing.
I saw every thing happen like a movie on tv. We were supposed to be watching a movie in class, but the teacher couldn't get the channel correct, because every channel was playing some action flick, filled with explosions and blasts, that the teacher couldn't change. Eventually, we found out that what we were watching wasn't a movie and told to go home and call our families.

My heart goes out to all of those family members of those people who were directly affected by these attacks.
My initial intention in writing this blog, was to express my feelings about recent incidents in my life........but,
at the end of the day, I must get over it and realize that my life is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

When people let others into their lives, they completely open up themselves to attack, scrutiny, and judgement of their short Cummings.
So when they use these things against you, you should have seen it coming.
keep your enemies close and your friends closer.

No pictures,......no quotes.....just texts, is what i have for this blog.
I have spent this past weekend watching how the family members of the lost souls of 9-11-01 have had to deal with their lost, and came to the conclusion that my petty problems are............well,
petty.
I thought my situation was so important and pressing.
I don't have the spirit to fight for such things anymore like what people think about me.

Sometimes when people go off to war and die..........the ones left behind have the gull to think that their loved ones went to die for themselves.
There is a fine line between the selfish and the selfless.
It is easy to confuse one with the other.

Most people don't think about how the women and children of those who died bravely on 9-11-01 to protect others.....probably were pissed that their loved one sacrificed themselves and their families for complete strangers.....and left them to carry a lifetime burden.
no one ever talks about that. huh?

Sticks and stones, can break the bones of giants......but words can break the heart of a
God.

Rules to Dating Your Friends Sister

2011-08-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Apparently, people still haven't caught on to the simple fact that THERE ARE RULES TO EVERYTHING.....AND EVERYTHING HAS RULES.

If you are going to do something, then do it right and follow the damn rules. If not, then know that there are real and sometimes severe consequences to those actions.

So let me lay this topic (again) on your Medulla Oblongata. ( you know, that part of your brain that controls your emotions.....unless you are Like the Water Boy, of course, and believe that happiness comes from ray's of sunshine.)

The topic of today's discussion is RULES RELATED TO DATING YOUR FRIENDS SISTER.
First and foremost, I would like to say that you should NEVER,,,,,,,,EVER,,,,,,,EVER,EVER, EVER, .....DATE YOUR FRIENDS SISTER.

You don't mix business with pleasure.
Business in this situation, would be your relationship with your friend.
Pleasure would have to be any relationship with a woman who you plan on Boinking.

The funny thing about human emotion, is that you have no power over who you are attracted to. No matter how hard you try.....you can not, fight, ignore, or control the desires of your mind, body and soul....you can only control how you act upon them.
Which brings us back to the topic at hand.

If you should ever find yourself in a position, where you have developed strong fellings for a brother or sister of a close friend....Then there are rules and regulations that lay out the correct protocol, for pursuing these types of relationships.
First, I would like to explain the difference between mice and men.
The only difference between mice and men is an oval shaped pair of BALLS.

There is absolutely, nothing wrong with having feelings about ya buddy's sister.
However....If you ain't got the balls to let him know, then we are dealing with a serious case of what P. Diddy has called "Bitch-ass-ness".
Assuming that all parties involved are "grown, consenting, adults",...One might argue that it is none of the older siblings business......Touche' to you.

But if it is to be a secret, love affair....Then don't go out in public!!!!!

It only becomes a problem when everyone and "Dey Mamma" hear's, see's, and knows about it.......except the over-protective, pistol-wheeling, psychopathic, brother.

To Sum up everything:
It is o.k. to date your friends sister or brother.
The rule of thumb is simply to let him/her know.

Nobody is saying that you have to ask permission!!! The rule simply states, that you inform your friend of the situation.
Beware:.....You may have to choose 1, or loose both. That is the risk you take buddy.

"It is better to hear from the horses mouth, than to smell from the horses rear."
Goldeneye

OBTW......If you ~~fuck~~ Tater Up in the relationship, with his sister, he already knows your weaknesses and exactly where to hit you to hurt you the most....And if he doesn't beat the shit out of you......His dad will kick his ass for doing NOTHING...and especially your ass for doing SOMETHING.
Double Whammy.
Just saying.

Is it wrong to be what they call you??

2011-08-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that I "am insatiable". For the majority of you, you are like me and had a WTF moment when you read that.
I have been called a number of things from a mean asshole to God's girft to humanity.........I've heard it all.
Except insatiable.
So I had to go look it up.
Turns out, that the word meant that I was unable to be satisfied.
Someone felt that no matter what I accomplished or what I got,....it would never be enough and I would always want more.
At first, I took this as an insult, and confused it with being ungrateful. But after further research, I was able to learn that it merely meant that I constantly needed to set new and higher goals in my life.
After my initial anger was replaced by an honest realization, that they were right, i came to form this question:
"What's wrong with that?"

Is it wrong to aim for the skies and strive to be all that you can?....
I suppose what they meant was that even after I have reached my goals, I decide that it isn't good enough and I want more.
They could not be more correct........I WANT IT ALL.

I feel like a life without purpose is a life not worth living......Contentment, to me, is death.
If you are satisfied with where you are in life, and do not wish for anything more, then you are wasting God's gift of life.
He has given you what you have....as a stepping stone to reach his next blessing.

What separtates a person who works to survive, from a person who survives to work????? MOTIVATION.....that's what.

If working to survive is your idea of maximiziong your "one life to live" then, so be it. But as for me, I choose to travel a different path.
I feel that every goal accomplished should be followed up by a more impossible goal. It is through this method of thinking that all the greats have achieved greatness.
When others say NO, I just smile and imagine the look on their facces after I have transformed and unimaginable act, into a simple shrug, indicating that I have "been there, done that ....(Yawn)"

Before that comment was made to me, I had no clue that I was insatiable. But now....I wear it proudly....like a Phat Azz Platinum Rolex Wristwatch baby........BAM!!!! In yo face.

I didn't wrtite this blog to motivate myself to aim high....I have always done that.
This blog was written to let you know that it is ok to be insatiable. In fact,.....If you aren't, you are probably wasting some high quality oxygen, and I need as much as I can get. (unless you're from Pittsburg, I heard your air sucks..sorry JKIReal)

OMG....You Listened To THAT B**CH????????

2011-08-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

"How could a Goddess ask someone who's only average, for advice......... OMG, You listened to that bitch?"-Kanye West

More times than not, women seek out relationship advice from friends (fake ones) who don't have relationships.
HELLO........
Why do you think they aren't in a relationship?
Because they fucked it up, by following the same damn advice they gave yo ass.

Think about it!
You wouldn't go to a chef for advice about fixing a car would you?
No......, you would go to a mechanic.
So why would you go to a man-less, bitter, woman for advice on what to do about your current relationship?

Misery loves company and lonely, jealous women want what you got. They will do whatever they can to sabotage your happiness.

That's when you realize that your BFF is really a BSB.

No relationship is perfect. There will always be ups and downs. If you want to get some good advice on what to do when the road gets rough in a relationship, go to someone who has been where you are and made it through the storm.
Sha-Nae-Nae should be the last person you ask for advice.

Stupid is......as stupid does.
A goddess should only ask another goddess for advice. (One with a man)

It's lonely being beautiful isn't it?
Yeah I know. I've been dealing with that problem since God made me. I feel your pain.

100 Blogs Later

2011-08-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and Gents,
I have finally made it to my blog, Centennial milestone.
So after 100 blogs, I wonder how much I have changed over the time.

100 blogs ago, I believe I wrote for others. Now, I write for myself.
I have invented a few words and changed a few lives along the way. (yeah, I am pretty modest huh?)

I just wanted to use this opportunity, to thank you all for keeping me motivated and encouraged.
I really want to send a special shout out to all my haters.
Thanks to you, for your negative comments and always giving me ammunition to fuel my already heated fire.
I salute you all with a smile and a middle finger.

I dedicate the words....MUFFER AND TATER....to you bitches.

I would like to thank my Wonderful Therapist, Ezra for your direction and lessons in life.(Not really, but thanks for listening to me though)
You were more than a Guardian Angel sent from God.......You were the 3rd piece of my enlightenment Triangle
Your name was Ezra,

There is a chapter in the Bible named Ezra,

and MY FAVORITE ALCOHOL IS 90 PROOF EZRA......YAY!!!

Put all 3 together....And you have a shit load of contradictions going on. (God, the Devil, and the mediator....ha.)

The last year of my life has been totally awesome.
I have weathered storms that made Katrina look like a slight breeze and survived.
The man in the mirror looks younger and stronger than ever before.
Some would say that I have become a cold and bitter individual, but that is sooooo not true.
I have merely realized that nice guys finish last, and I am a Winner (in my Charlie Sheen voice)

Life is too short to allow others to dictate who you should be.

Love the skin that you are in, and live life to the fullest.

GTP-------OUT DIS BIATCH.
MUFFERS

Break Him In

2011-08-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why women choose to stay with men who beat them.......mentally abuse them......or just plain out suck?(not literally......I could understand that part)

Don't worry ladies.....it's not your fault.
Women are like primitive cowboys.
No matter how much make-up they put on, or how high their heels are, they can not escape the core, instincts that they were born with.
Women,.....like men, need to conquer something.
They need to feel like they had a hand in sculpting their perfect environment.

Think about...
When a woman moves into a house, what is the first thing she does??????
When a woman gets into a relationship, what is the first thing she does?????
When a woman gets a new car, what is the first thing she does?????
SHE CHANGES IT TO FIT HER PERCEPTION OF HOW IT SHOULD BE.
She has to customize it in order to make it hers.

So why in the hell should a guy be any different to her?
She has to customize him to fit her perception of how he should be.

Well, the problem with that is that you CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE.
You can temporarily get them to act a certain way, but deep down inside, that person will always be the person that they were born.
Which is why, when you understand why a woman is how she is, it makes it easier to tolerate her actions....
SHE CAN'T HELP IT.

Since most of my readers are women, I probably just lost half of my audience, but fuck it.
If you can't handle the truth, you would have never began reading my blog in the first place......right?

If a perfect man fell in a woman's lap, she would try and change him regardless of the fact that he is already perfect.
No woman wants a perfect man....She wants a man who is perfect for her.....and that requires customization.

She doesn't want someone who doesn't need her to "fix him".
That is where she gets her satisfaction from.
So she can sit back, years down the road and look at her finished product.....saying "there,...now aren't you glad I came into your life and set you straight?"

So when you see a woman in a bad relationship and ask yourself....."Self.., why is that woman staying with that asshole?"
You should know that she needs him, as much as he needs her.
She thinks she can change him, and he knows he can control her.

Which is why an abusive man turns into a bitch when a real man hits him in the fuckin mouth.
He isn't used to it.
His body goes into shock when it feels fear for the first time and sees blood on his shirt.(his own blood, for once)

So, ladies, this wasn't the female bashing blog that you originally thought it was.........was it?
Just know that a man can only do what you allow him to do. Which makes your situation (good or bad) a product of your own doing.

If he treats you bad and you stay with him,
Don't cry about it. Relish in the fact that you choose him.....and you have a lot of work to do to make him your perfect little man.

Holy Spirit PART 2

2011-08-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

I was trying to find Bro. Franklin dancing on youtube when I happened to stumble upon this video right here.
I could write a thousand blogs about this 1 video, but a picture is worth a thousand words.

I really don't know what people mean on face book when they write things like "#pause" but I think this may be one of those times they would use it........Check it out for yourself at the link below. I tried to embed it on my site but it is being a little TATER at the moment.

http://youtu.be/5BOFYmcHEIc

Cool Guy On The Scooter......I Salute You.

2011-08-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a missed call and a pending text on my phone from this super-hot chick I that I'm totally in love with, and I thought to myself........"Self.....today is going to be a wonderful day".

Just when I thought that my day couldn't get any better, I found myself at a stop light, listening to some motivational gospel music......and then it happened.
This Muffer, pulls beside me in a lime green scooter, with a matching helmet. (seriously folks....I don't have the imagination nor creativity to make this shit up)

As if that wasn't funny enough, he looks over at me like with this cocky-ass gaze, like he is driving a Maserati or something.
When the light turned green, he sped off at a whopping 30mph and looked back at me with a "eat my dust" look.
......oh by the way, did I mention that I was in a Black Crown Victoria, with pretty little Blue lights on it??????
So I just sat there at the light in disbelief at what I just saw and watched him speed off into the sun set, like the true Road Warrior that he was.

Wow......
I always wanted a scooter.........WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.
I was actually surprised that there wasn't a brown talking Dog on his back seat, with his arms wrapped around him, begging for a Scooby snack.

In that brief, 10 second window of time, that I knew the guy, I learned his entire life story.
You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to detect 3 significant details about Mr. Harley Davidson.

1. He still lives at home with his mom, who calls him by a pet name.
2. Mom doesn't trust him enough to let him drive the van.
3. The last time he saw some pussy, was the day he came out of one.

Please be careful and try really hard not to get any speeding tickets out there, buddy.

So to the Cool Guy On The Lime Green (or any other color) Scooter......I Salute You.

Doing It BIG is SOOOOO overated.

2011-08-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

Throughout a person's life, there are a few birthdays that are suppose to stand out the most.
13, 16, 18, 21, 30, and 50 (damn....that looks like lotto numbers, don't it? Maybe I should play em?)

Each of these ages are significant for different reasons and represent a special milestone in a persons journey through life.

Well, I am a huge birthday fanatic and I think birthday's are truly sacred.
At this point in my life.....the closest milestone that I have reached is 30.

For the record.....30 was the most low key birthday that I have ever had in my entire life.
And the reason for this was because of what happened on birthday 29.
Damn You 29........
Damn You.

If this were a movie, the screen would be getting all wavy and you would be experiencing a flashback..right about............Now.

The Year, is 20?? (I don't want to give out my age)
I was about to turn the big 29.
See, what I was planning, was to make this birthday the preliminary stepping stone to the biggest 30 year Blowout party, this side of the Atlantic Ocean.
So I had to do 29 pretty big in order to work out the kinks in time for 30.

So I got this super sweet deal on the entire top floor of this downtown hotel. It consisted of 2 Suites that were connected, with a side access to the rooftop.
The rooftop had a wonderful view and a jacuzzi (That Moffer was hot enough to boil craw fish ...and humans).

Now that the stage was set, it was time to press play.

I invited some friends and family from out of town, and some that were local to celebrate my birthday with me.
I ordered this awesome ass limo bus WITH A STRIPPER POLE (WHEWWW WHOOO), and reserved a VIP table down at the PUSH Club in Tunica.

Sounds like a perfect night huh?
Well, lets just say that the night began with $500,Patron Tequila, 90 Proof Vodka, 90 Proof Whiskey, and a shit load of beer.
And ended up with 1 busted Lip, 2 wet pairs of clothing, A security escort (out of the casino), mud covered jeans, a VIP table that we never made it to, 1 very very Very happy Limo driver, $0.00 in my pocket, and a vague recollection of the majority of the evening.

That was the most expensive lesson that I have ever learned in life.
It taught me what to do for my 30th........ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!

Maybe for the big 50, I might do something really "over-the-top" for my "over-the-hill" party.......like bowling on a Wednesday night.

Why Would You Put Her On The Radio??????

2011-07-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

I know that what I am about to say is going to surprise the TATER out of you...........So please don't blow your load when I drop this newsflash on ya ass......O.k.!!
I have found, Yet another thing that actually pisses me off.
Shocking huh???? Yeah, I know it is.

First and foremost, I want to apologizzzz (it's spelled correctly...trust me) to anyone out there who is offended by my upcoming comments.
I also want to sincerely apologize to anyone who suffers from the disorder that I am going to discuss today, if you are offended. In absolutely, NO WAY am I trying to make fun of you.

You wouldn't purposely put an Ass Ugly person on TV....would ya?
You wouldn't purposely put a tone deaf person behind a Mic....would ya?
NOOO,    You would not.
So why in the hell, would you put a person with a speech impediment on the Radio.....Especially as the ONLY Commercial Spokesperson???????   HUM?????? Why????

I won't say where (Starts with M ends in S...you figure it out), but this particular city has 5 radio stations that use the same lady to do their commercials.
She has a decent voice....nothing spectacular....but decent.
The problem for me is that she has a LISP.
So I call her LISP LADY. (creative huh?)
For those of you who don't know what that is, I have cut and pasted from wikipedia to inform you.

A lisp ( /lɪsp/) (OE wlisp, stammering)^[1] is a speech impediment, historically also known as sigmatism.^[2] Stereotypically, people with a lisp are unable to pronounce sibilants (like the sound [s]), and replace them with interdentals (like the sound [θ]), though there are actually several kinds of lisp. The result is that the speech is unclear.

For you Short-Bus-Shawty's out there, A LISP is when people aren't physically able to say words that have "S" sounds in them correctly.

See, unlike a bigot, I have a health condition that explains and produces my irritation of lisps. This is something that I was born with and not something that was instilled in me by some lisp hating parents or anti-lisp hate group who call themselves the LLL's.
With my condition, when I hear a lisp pronunciation of sibilants (see above definition), it sounds like the equivalent of a woman's nails scratching a chalkboard.
Now that I put that into perspective for you.....imagine hearing that shit in every single radio commercial on 5 different stations.
That would almost cause you to get in an accident .....wouldn't it?   Hell yeah it would. That's why I don't like to listen to the radio that much.

So yesterday, I heard this brand new Chris Brown song come on, and like a dumbass, I cranked that Muffer up.(my new word for Mother Fucker and I will use it from now on.....Thank you)
As soon as the song went off, guess who's voice I heard........Damn right.....The Lisp Lady.
This time she was doing a commercial for this new libido Enhancement Drug.
Now, I don't know if someone told her about how annoyed I get when she says "S" words, or if her Muffering producers were simply playing a cruel joke on her, cause they knew she had a lisp.
But in this particular commercial, she said this line right here..........
"The new drug *******, iS Sure to increaSe and SuStain your SeXual Stimulation and SatiSfacTION"

(In order to fully appreciate the above line...I need you to pretend you have a lisp, and repeat it out loud)
(If you still didn't get it, imagine Sylvester the cat saying it)
WTF..........
Really?????
Man, I almost swerved into on-coming traffic trying regain my composer from that terrifying audible shock to my nervous system.

I have been tasered before, and that pain wasn't shit compared to what I felt when Lisp Lady said that.

The Holy Spirit

2011-07-28T12:30:00.001-07:00

Recently, I just started going back to church.
At first, I was going to this predominantly White church (I was 1 out of 5 black folks there), because it was close to me and it wasn't the traditional type of service (honestly.....it was really because it was only an hour long and they are very prompt).
The music was usually led by 1-3 singers and a guitar. Whenever the congregation really got into one of the songs, they would simply put 1 or both hands in the air and slowly wave it from side to side (not like in the rap video's more like an Aerosmith concert)
But last Sunday, I visited this Black church, which was also close to where I lived.

It had been so long since I had gone to a Black church, that I completely forgot about catching the Holy Spirit.
If you have never been to a black church and saw someone catch the Holy Spirit, then you are missing out on one of life's great wonders.

You can always sense when someone's about to get the Holy Ghost in them.
First the person on the piano or organ will slowly play those 4 famous notes seperately......Then they start to gradually speed it up until it is finally a very high tempo chanting sound.
And then out of nowhere.....Someone jumps into the middle of the aisle and begins to dance.
Well.........I wouldn't call it dancing though... It's more like someone having a seizure while they are standing up. Then they start kicking and throwing up their hands like it's a rat loose on the dance floor.

Next comes the competition.....That's when the middle aged men jump out there and try to prove that "they still got it" and show up the old folks who are just turning in circles screaming "thank you Jesus".
Tooooooooooo funny.
Have you ever seen a 45 year old black man, in an Aqua-Blue, 3-piece Suit with matching Gator-skinned boots, trying to do the "holy-spirit" version of the Running-Man. LMFAO.

This aint the guy in blue, but this gives you an idea of what it looks like.

But I felt good though.
The music was moving me too.
I looked down and noticed my knee was bouncing up and down like my body was trying to get me dance too. By the time I left the service, I felt like I needed to go home a take a nap from all that stomping and clapping I did.
It was truly a great experience and I can't wait to see who catches the holy spirit next week.

P.S. The guy in the above picture can be seen doing his Damn Thing at the link below........Tooooo Funny.
I mean flips, jukin, fall backs......he does it all
http://youtu.be/7EaI0U1_IW4

Where Does Your Allegiance Lie

2011-07-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

A puppy can not nurse on two bitches.........
A dog can not have two masters..........
And A master can not serve two Gods........

You must decide where your loyalty lies. Although, you may love, respect, and honor many things at the same time, your true allegiance can only be to one thing and one thing ONLY.

When I was young, my mother and father taught me about loyalty.
I had two friends who got into a very nasty fight over a girl (of course...they seem to always be at the source of male confrontations, don't they?)
I was torn between the two of them because they were trying to force me to choose which one of them I was going to continue to hang with. The hatred that these friends had between them, was so substantial that they refused to be within sight of the other.
I really didn't have that many friends at the time, so I wasn't trying to lose either of them.

So I went to my parents and asked them how I was to decide which friend to align myself with, because I didn't know what to do. I was expecting for them to tell me some bullshit about coming together....singing kumbya...not choosing sides .......and continuing to be friends with both of them.....but that's not what they said. I was surprised at what they said to me.

They said:
Parents: Son....Do you know the difference between easy and simple?

Me: huh.....No, I guess not. I thought they were the same.

Parents: Son....Do you know the difference between difficult and hard?

Me: They aren't the same thing??????

Parents: No they are not. DIFFICULT is like solving a very complex math problem, while HARD is like deciding which friend to let go.
Making a DIFFICULT decision is very SIMPLE, choose A or B. But it isn't EASY, because there are consequences to each one, and should not be taken lightly.

Me: So what are you saying?????

Parents: Life is going to be HARD son, but if you are able to determine early-on, what is most important to you.......Then all the decisions you will have to make will be EASY and SIMPLE because all you will have to do is pick the option that best supports what is most important to you.
Determine where your loyalty is. If it is school, then all your decisions should put school first. If it is sports, then all of your decisions should put sports first.

Me: But what if I want to be loyal to both of my friends?

Parents: Then you can try son....but you will fail. Because there will come a day when 1 of your feuding friends decides to do something bad to the other and you will know about it before hand.
If you do nothing, then you have betrayed the friend who is about to be done wrong. If you warn them, then you will betray the friend who was plotting the attack.
You will have to make a decision and will have to chose where your loyalty lies. So why not make the the hard choice now, so that all the future ones will be easy?

Although I didn't understand exactly what they meant at the time, it eventually became clear as day as I grew older.
No matter how faithful you are to the people in your life, if you are not truly LOYAL to 1 person, thing, or ideal, then your life will be filled with HARD choices.
Everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too, but in the end.........you can only have 1.

Hiatus

2011-07-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well........Ladies and gentleman,
It is with great sadness that I inform you that the 2nd Big Bang is about to hit the "Tales from the Oracle" Blog.

I was hoping to make it to the Century mark and post 100 blogs, but it seems that 92 will have to do.
I see absolutely no point in posting empty garbage topics simply to reach a milestone. I wouldn't bore you like that.
Therefore, I will just end it with this temporary good bye.

Hopefully, I will return with some great material for you and make up for the time that we are going to be apart.
I would like to thank you for the years of faithful patronage. The funny topics that have made us laugh together, and the heartfelt serious obstacles that we have tackled, have helped us grow.
I encourage you to check out the previous 91 post over the next few months and relive those moments until I return.
Continue to send me your topic requests and words of motivation and condemnation.....because I appreciate the honesty in both.

May the worst days of our past, be the best days of our future.
Love, peace, and KFC chicken grease,

GTP-OUT......2's

Apology To All My O-G's Out There. (Old Grannies)

2011-07-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why,
But today was the first day that I did not get mad at the slow driving grannies on Church Rd.
For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of compassion and understanding.
It was almost like I finally stopped being selfish and only thinking about how I wasn't making any money as long as I was cruising behind Me'maw at a whopping 40 mph, and began to put myself in grannies ultra-comfort-fit shoes.

I began to realize that she wasn't getting over into the slow lane because she was scared to death of not being able to see if there were other cars in her blind spot.
I thought she was just being plain mean, because she didn't have anywhere to be and she was just happy to be out of the house.

It never dawned on me, that when you get older, 45 mph seems like traveling warp speed, compared to when you are 30 years old. I felt so bad for all of those negative things I would think when I would be on the I-55 stuck between a slow-ass Dump Truck and a frightened old lady.

I am now a changed man. From this day forward, I will never think negative thoughts about super-old people driving super-slow on highways and roads (besides, why in the hell do you still have a license...of course).
I will spread the word and begin a revolution to stop the negativity against slow pokes everywhere.
Because in the end.......They are people, just like you and I.

..........You know,
The more I write about this, the more I feel those feelings of anger and anxiousness start to surface, about being behind a slow poke.
I don't think this whole revolution thing is going to get off the ground.
Because at the end of the day....they are still ******* with my money.

So from this day forward, I will never think negative thoughts about super-old people driving super-slow on highways and roads WHEN I AM ON MY WAY HOME FROM WORK.

Good compromise??????? Yeah, I think so.

Background Check

2011-07-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

When the air is filled with the smell of bar-b-q chicken, ribs, and smoked sausages.......while slow jams are serenading your ears in the background......and you are surrounded by familiar faces that you haven't seen in years.....it can only mean one thing.
It's A FAMILY REUNION.

So this year, we went back to our roots and they hosted the reunion in my mom's home town. It was great food, fun and fellowship as usual.
I wish that I could write about all the hilarious shit that happened down there, but that is family business.

What I can talk about is a conversation we had about Background Checks.
I want to get your personal opinion on this subject (not that it ~~fucking~~ Tatering matters).

So, after learning that one of our family members performed Background Checks on people, one of my cousins stated that he wished he could do Background Checks on everybody before he dated them.
WHY?????

Why, would you want to research every body before you went out with them?
That would take all the fun out of dating, wouldn't it?
So what if they used to be a thieving, homicidal, rapist.........
Can't people change?
How do you know that it all wasn't "a simple mis-understanding"?

So what if they have 6 kids and 3 baby-Mama's or Daddy's.
Maybe they got a chance to get all that out of their systems and now they are ready to settle down and be the type of person you need in your life.....

So what if they have 3 liens on 2 cars and 4 judgements against them in civil court.......
Why in the hell would you want to know that Corvette they are driving ain't theirs and that $200,000 house is 3 weeks from belonging to the bank?????
Ignorance is bliss. Let them drive you around town in that flashy car and spoil you with breakfast in a bed with a flat screen TV on the ceiling.
Worry about that other shit when the repo men get there. Carpe' Diem .

See, if you would have never looked at that Background Check report, you would have enjoyed life for the next 3 weeks...but NOOOOOOOOO,
You had to look at the damn report and judge them, for their past.

I mean, personally, I like to learn new things about people. If you knew everything about someone after the first date, what the hell are you going to talk about on the second one.
And as far as them being some sexual pervert.....who knows.....you might actually like some of that kinky shit.
leather..and shackles...and chains.......OH MY.
.......Just sayin

Embrace Your Fear

2011-07-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

4th of July weekend definitely has a way of bringing a sense of excitement into the air. It also takes you back to the time when you were a kid and couldn't wait to play with the fireworks.
Most "responsible" adults, like MY PARENTS, wouldn't let kids play with fireworks without direct, parental, supervision.
Therefore, we were left with no other alternative but to sneak some out of the house when they weren't home.

Fireworks, are awesome. As a matter of fact, they are only a couple of table spoons of gun powder away from being weapons of mass destruction.

So anyway, as with many things that I have done, I learned another valuable lesson in life, while playing with fireworks as a young boy.
Based on the things that I did growing up with firecrackers and small animals, a psychologist might have predicted that I was going to be a psychopathic killer when I grew up......but luckily I was just going through a phase.
At first, I was sooooo afraid of firecrackers. I wouldn't even dare to get close enough to one in order to light it, so my brothers or friends had to do it for me.
As I got more comfortable with them, I became very brave.........Actually, more like beyond brave.....somewhere in the realm of stupidity.

I would take on any dare that someone would give me.......I was the TATERING Evel Knievel, of firecrackers.
So anywho, one day I managed to get my hands on the "illegal" M90 firecracker. I had heard stories about how dangerous these things were, but I laughed in the face of danger and shit on the legacy of the great M90.
First, in order to find out just how powerful the M90 was, we tested it on a frog.

(*********I am unsure about the statute of limitations on animal cruelty crimes, so I will not confirm or deny what happened next......so let's just say that the M90 definitely deserved its reputation*********.)
Now that we had proven that this was the most powerful firecracker ever, I was dared to hold it in my hand, light it, and throw it at the last possible moment, before it would blow off my hand.
Shit, .....I didn't even need a double-dog-dare before I shouted "give that damn thing....I'll show you".

I don't think I have to even go any further with this story, because you all know exactly what happened.
The lesson that I learned that day, was this:
Fear is a God given mechanism that protects us and keeps us alive. The moment that a person loses his/her fear is the moment they are most susceptible to danger or death.

The moment I lost my fear of firecrackers, was the same time that I lost respect for them and what they could do to me. The most dangerous thing is the one that you respect the least.
The same is true in all aspects of life...........ESPECIALLY WITH PEOPLE.

Embrace your fear,
Let go of disrespect,
And you will survive.

Adam and Eve

2011-07-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

So, in case you haven't heard,
A super duper long time ago, there was this guy named Adam, who was all alone on this Earth, so God decided to create him a female companion named Eve.
See Adam and Eve were best of friends and they did everything together. (maybe cause everybody else was busy, right?)

As they got to know each other more and more, Adam began to notice that Eve had an insatiable thirst for information. ****Not Knowledge**** but information. Eve was Nosy as Hell.
(I guess Hell was not a good word for this story....Replace with:Shit)

She was always gossiping about which deer was sneaking off with the gazelles and where in the world did the donkey come from. There weren't any donkey's there the previous year.

It was this extreme case of curiosity and nosiness that got them kicked out the Garden of Eden.
She just had to know more about that Damn apple, didn't she?
The snake said that he had the inside track on some secrets about the apple tree and she couldn't resist not knowing.

So ladies all over the world, I want you to know that it isn't your fault that you all have an insatiable thirst for information.
It is in your DNA and has always been a part of the estrogen hormone.

That is the reason that you can not help yourselves when a gossip talk show comes on TV......or a drama filled reality show comes on.
You find yourselves glued to the TV screen, with your mouth wide open, thinking......" Oh no, she didn't".
You can't get enough of NBA housewives can you?
Or
The Real World....TMZ......or Better yet, the Wendy Williams Show.
There is something about drama and scandal that attracts women like flies to shit.
Most women understand and accept their condition, because there is no point in trying to fight it. It's like a vampire telling themselves that they don't like blood.........You can't fight the urge.

But never fear, because Adam loved Eve unconditionally and followed her even when he knew she was wrong.
And they suffered the same fate together and equally.
For better or worst,
Richer or poorer,
In sickness and in health,
Tell death do them part,

But just keep in mind, that the next time Adam say's "....you know Eve....honey, darling....... Maybe this time we should mind our business and leave this tree alone"
You might want to consider listening to him. Cause your fate, is also his.

Public Service Announcement- If your car isn't worth at least $80,000 then you are not allowed to double park that sh*t !!!!!

2011-06-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

I started to write today's blog about people double parking their shit, and how much it pissed me off because I got pissed off about it today again.........Then I realized that I have already wrote about it.
So, Just in case you missed it the first time.........I present to you a GTP Public Service Announcement

First of all, for the ones of you who don't know what double parking is, double parking is when you occupy two parking spaces with one vehicle. Most of the time, it is a result of some stupid driver who never learned to park. (This is a reflection of our failed Drivers License Testing procedures )

The other reason that people double park is because they feel that someone will park next to them and dent or damage the paint on their car.

Well Let me be the one to publicly mandate that

"If your car isn't worth at least $80,000 then you are not allowed to double park that sh*t !!!!! Further more.....If your car isn't worth at least $100,000 then don't even think about Triple-parking it...you selfish asshole"

I have a neighbor that feels it is necessary to double park his "Chevy HHR Cross-over Station Wagon".

Are you f*cking kidding me? A station wagon?

When you live in an apartment complex, parking spaces are more than a neccessity, they are a prized commodity that residence fight for on a daily basis. Between the hours of 5-6:00 pm everyone is in a frenzy trying to make it home in time to get one of the coveted "Good" parking spaces. You know..... the ones right in front of the building. Everyone else will be forced to put on some hiking boots and hump a mile to get to their apartment.

So please explain to me what kind of inconciderate bastard would take up 2 whole parking spaces for his 1 mediocre car.

Now if you have spent more than $80,000 on your vehicle, then by all means, double park it dude.

There are some jealous-ass people in this world who will dent and scratch your car with their door simply because they hate that you have a DREAM CAR in reality, while theirs is still in their DREAMS.

Besides, I like to see expensive and exotic cars, so by double parking it, you give me a much better view of the damn thing.

Now, if you are driving a $100.000 car, park that thing anywhere you freakin want to. Hell, park that thing on my lawn......I don't care. Maybe my property value will go up or something.

Don't Forget To Tip Your Waiter

2011-06-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

VS.

Many of my friends are very ...........ummmm, let's just say Conservative, when it comes to tipping people for their services.

A common excuse is that "it's their job and they are already charging me for what I ordered......why should I give them extra money for doing what they are already being paid to do?"

Tips are exactly what they are supposed to be........EXTRA.

There is nothing more humble and honorable than to serve another person. It's all through the bible and our history.....of course some service wasn't so voluntary.

By leaving a tip, you will make a small or large impact in someones day.

Although I am a proponent of leaving good tips for good service, I know a special person who tips big no matter how good or bad the service is.

Apparently, they believe that when someone gives you bad service, it is because they have stereotyped you as not a good tipper, or they are having a terrible day. Either way, when you leave a bad server a good tip, it can alter their previous assumptions about you or completely turn their terrible day into a brighter one.

As I read on someones Facebook page the other day...."Karma is a bitch....just get out of the way and let her do her job".

When you release good into the universe.......Good will be returned to you.

So next time you are served by another, try to leave a nice tip.........besides "Your Onion Rings Suck" (Micheal White).

The Final Test

2011-06-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

Throughout my life, I have learned that I have been able to notice many apparently insignificant things that others around me don't notice.
Ever since I was a small boy, I always found it strange to see birds fly in front of a speeding cars.
I wonder if you ever noticed it or not.

I would see a group of birds lined up on one of the electrical lines at the top of the phone poles.
It would be like 10 of them, just sitting up there......waiting for something.

And then when ever a car would drive by, one of them would dive towards the ground and then quickly swoop across the street, in front of the car.
At first, it didn't make since to me, but after years of watching them, I found out what they were doing.

It was a rite of passage and a way to prove who was the dominant bird in the flock.
For hours as a kid, I would watch them swoop in front of the cars trying to get as close to them as possible without getting hit.
The birds on the sidelines would chirp every time one of their brothers made it safely across.
It appeared that the birds going across the street were smaller than the birds, observing. Which lead me to believe that the dare-devils were younger, and probably trying to earn their acceptance into the flock as a grown-ass-~~man~~ Bird.
This was their Final Test.

Just as with all tests in life, everyone does not always pass.
I have witnessed a number of occasions where a bird did not pass the test.
I must say........It was the funniest shit that I have ever seen.

This one time, a bird was trying to cross in front of an SUV.
I guess he mistimed it, because he was about a half second too late.
He started off like the rest of them did.....He had good form coming off the phone line. His wings were good and straight. His beak was pointed upward, ready to swoop upward.
But I guess, he held his "diving eagle" pose for a little to long, because by the time he reached the middle of the road, the truck was already there.

The damn bird went head-first into the driver side door, and all you could hear was a loud ass "THUMP".
I couldn't believe what I just saw.
I was dying laughing. I was hysterical. Like when one of those "cool kids" at school tried to show off in front of the girls and completely Busted his ass on the ground.......Yeah.. funny.

The lady slammed on the breaks and got out the car to see WTF just happened.
She looked at me like I threw a Tatering rock at her car or something cause I was laughing soooo hard.
She yelled at me "hey kid, what do you think you're doing?????"
I replied "I ain't doing shit.....But you might want to talk to that dead bird over there though"

She ran over and saw the dead bird with the broken neck and she began to cry.

Can you believe that she had a roadside funeral for that damn thing and buried it?
Well, maybe I should have told her to bury it underground, and not just cover it up........because minutes after she drove off, a cat came and ate the bird.

Needless to say........He did not pass THE FINAL TEST

Winning

2011-06-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how it seems that the same people keep winning? Except for Charlie Sheen of course. Whether it's sports, competitions, games, or even life,......it just feels like it's always the same people or teams that are left standing when the smoke clears.

The other day, I had an epiphany (No Micheal W., that doesn't mean a bowel movement).

I was playing a video game with DJ Violator, and for the first time, I was losing against him with only minutes left to go in the game.
He was so excited and sure that he was going to finally defeat me, but he had never been in the lead before.

There is a certain kind of pressure that falls on a person when they are at the top, and everyone is trying to knock them off.
If you have never been at the top before, then the pressure will crush you and you will completely fall apart.

I calmly said to DJ........"I have been here a thousand times, and you won't beat me".
As hard as he tried to seem calm, he couldn't compose himself, and sure enough........He crumbled under the pressure.

I prevailed........(as usual)

The epiphany that I had was that people who are used to being on top and enduring the pressures that comes along with it.......will always rise above the rest.....Like foam cream on a Cafe' Latte'.
It is they, which are the majority, who aren't used to being on top, who don't have what it takes to be a winner.
Until they have tasted the blood of victory, and have repeatedly slain all who would dare challenge them, losers will never be winners.

Look at all the great champs of the past.
They weren't always ahead in points, matches, or the race.
But they always remained calm and found a way to win........It was all they knew.
Losing was never an option.

Losers think that every battle has 2 possible outcomes.......While winners know that there is only 1.......
WINNING

Awwwww....My bad. I meant to put up a champions Picture......

That's More Like It.

Phone In The Water

2011-06-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was a very........huh......Well, I guess I don't know.
Eye opening.....That's it.
This weekend was an eye opening weekend.
It's funny how seemingly unrelated incidents can shine a light on that, which was previously unseen.
My point being this:
On Saturday morning, I went to go unlock the pool at the complex where I reside. I usually don't do it on Saturday's because the office or staff are working that day and they normally open it. But, I was up early and felt like getting outside.
After I opened the first gate, I heard my phone ring.......**Ring Ring** (actually, my ringtone was a super loud Metallica Song)
So of course I reach in my pocket to answer the phone.
As I was pulling my phone out, while I was walking, it slipped out of my hand and began to fall toward the ground.
I know that you all have experienced the weird sensation of time slowing down and you can see what is about to happen right before it does........
Well this was definitely one of those times.
I saw my phone fall to the ground and begin to bounce towards the damn pool.
I reached out to catch it before it took a bath, but I was too late. All I could do was watch helplessly as the phone splashed into the pool.

I stood there screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" like I was being held captive by some thugs, while the leader of the gang was dragging my woman off to sell her for a case of cigarettes.

Then before I could even stop myself, I was diving, head first into the pool to try and rescue my beloved phone.
****NOTE TO SELF: DON'T JUMP INTO POOL WITH ALL OF YOUR SHOES AND CLOTHES ON......TERRIBLE IDEA****

Initially, I was just trying to feel through the water with my eyes clothes, but I couldn't find it and time was against me.....I knew the longer the phone was in the water, the less likely it possible to save it.
So I opened my eyes and saw a black object lying lifelessly at the bottom of the pool.
I grabbed it and made a desperate dash to the surface, which was 6ft above me.

Once we were safely back on dry land, I removed the battery from the phone and laid it out in the sun to dry along with the phone itself..........It wasn't looking good her. I had seen that sight before a dozen times........Although I didn't speak the words at the time, I knew she wasn't going to make it.
So, as I am sitting there, Completely drenched, shoes and all,........... I was trying to determine what hurt the most.
1. Being this close to losing the second most important thing in my life
or
2. That fact that I actually opened my eyes in THAT pool. I swore to my self that I would never do that. I can only imagine what has gone on in that pool after hours.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

After 24hrs of drying out, I inserted the battery back into the phone and with a prayer, I pressed the "ON" button.
On June 19, 2011 at 0930hrs........My beautiful Nokia was pronounced dead at the scene. She was gone forever.

At that moment, I realized that I had lost every single phone number, email, and contact info that was in that phone.
I was so dependent on that phone and technology, that I never learned or wrote down anybody's number. I can't even tell you my dad or mom's phone numbers.
I was crippled. I was weak, and there was nothing that I could do, because I gave everything to that phone and made myself vulnerable to it.
Nokia broke my heart. She left me alone in a cold world with no one to call out to.

Luckily, I didn't need Nokia to call God.
I went to church that morning and spoke to God about a number of issues, not including Nokia.
Although, it was a very one-sided conversion, I was able to see that Nokia was a representation of life. I was able to understand that a person can not depend something or someone to always be there for them.
I should have written down those numbers........
I should have memorized the important ones......
and I should have never allowed myself to become a slave to Nokia.

The same can be said about life.
In the complex formulas and equations of life, the variables are always changing. The only constant is YOU. Depend and invest in that, which will always be there..................................Yourself.

That's all you came with.......That's all you are going to take with you.

So there, you have it.
Who would have ever guessed that a life lesson would be learned from "A PHONE IN THE WATER"

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today, I am especially privileged to honor my father, on this special day reserved for father's.
Not baby daddy's, sperm donors, part-time pappy's, or P.O. Box Christmas Gift donors.
But REAL FATHER'S.

Dad,
Not only did you do a spectacular job raising a young boy into a strong, successful, black man,....But you managed to do it 3 times over. We are a reflection of you and your efforts, and I think you look pretty damn good.

I wanted to take this opportunity to re-tale you a story about one of the many times throughout my life that you taught me what being a man was all about. Although, I didn't understand it at the time, I eventually did, and will never forget the lessons of that experience.

The year was 1989. We were enrolled at Garden View elementary school in Whitehaven, by the airport. We only had 2 friends in the world at that time outside of our family.....they were James and Jermaine. James was 2 1/2 years older than me and Jermaine was about my age.
Every day, me and my brothers ran home from school because, the other kids tried to jump us because we were African.
On one particular day, the bullies surrounded us while we were walking home with James and Jermaine.
The bullies began to make fun of James for hanging around us and being our friend.
So James got mad and denied being our friend.
So the bullies said that if James wasn't friends with us, he should prove it by fighting my older brother.
James turned to my brother and pushed him.
I jumped in between them and told James to leave my brother alone.
****Bam****
He hit me in the stomach and knocked me to the ground.
I knelt down on my knees and began to cry.
James felt bad about what he did, so he came over to see if I was ok.
When he put his hand on my shoulder,......I came off the ground like Mohammad Ali and punched him in the gut with everything that I had.
He hit the ground and me and my brothers took off running.........All the way to the house.

My heart was racing 100mph and I was scared as hell. I had never hit anybody before. I always ran away.
But when I got home, I felt safe again.
5 mins later, I heard a beating at the door......I knew it was James, so I went and hid in my room.

Dad, you went to the door and opened it. Sure enough, it was James....Pissed as hell, tears coming down his face, and both fist clinched like he was about to put a beat down on somebody.
Dad, you asked James what he wanted and he asked to see ME.
Just when I knew you were about to send him on his way....you called me downstairs.

You told me that James wanted to see me outside, and I told you that I didn't want to go.
You told me that you loved me, but I needed to go outside.

You pushed me outside, nodded your head at me, and closed the door behind me.

That day, I learned so much from you dad. I thank you for having the strength to put me in harms way in order to learn what being a man is all about.

You taught me, that being a man is not about Fighting.
Being a man is about learning how to use your words and not your fist to win or avoid a battle.

You taught me, that being a man is not about Hiding.
Being a man is about facing your fears and standing your ground.

You taught me, that being a man is not about Running
Being a man is about accepting responsibility and the consequences of your actions.

You taught me, that being a man is not about being Weak
Being a man is about having the strength to allow your baby boy to face adversity and learn to overcome it on his own.

Although I couldn't believe you put me out like that, I am so glad that you did.
There are a million of stories that I could share with you and the world about how much of an inspiration you have been on my life dad, but this was one of your more subtle lessons......and it stood out the most, because you never said a word to me about it......you made me learn it on my own.

I love you dearly, and hope that you have the only kind of father's day that is as worthy as you
.......THE BEST.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

To: The King of Tiama
From: The Prince of Moyamba

It's Friday, You Ain't Got No Job, And You Ain't Got Shit To Do.....

2011-06-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

You can't chose your family right? Blood is blood and God decided that long before you were even an erection.

However, you can chose your friends.

But what happens when you have been friends with someone so long that you are like siblings. You both were raised by both of your parents and spent all of your childhood together.

I know that blood is thicker than water......But if you put enough Kool-aid and sugar in that shit and let it hang around for some years, it can get pretty thick.

I have said all of this to bring up the topic of having friends that you grew up with, who do nothing but smoke weed all day.

Hell, it doesn't have to be weed,.....I know some of you who have friends or relatives that do all sorts of drugs all day. Meth, Pills, Crack, and Coke......Well maybe not Coke, that costs too much to do all day, but the others don't.

How do you handle that relationship?

If it was just an old friend, it would be easy to write them off, because they are doing nothing to progress themselves or their situations. But if they are a friend who is like a brother or sister to you, then it isn't so easy to write them off. They are practically, part of the family.

I have a Friend (brother from another mother) who bounces from job to job, smokes all day, and is always borrowing money for something. He reminds me of Dave Chappelle and Charlie Murphy.

He cracks me up, but damn.........N*** get a job.

What is a grown ass man doing sitting on a couch all day long, watching re-runs of Sanford & Son and the Jamie Fox show??????

I really haven't figured out if I am truly disgusted and outraged at this poor excuse of a human being.....OR if I am jealous and wish I could be over there watching Rachel Ray.

How much fun would it be to get high all day and watch the Food Channel??????

That would be like Aliens abducting you, injecting you with liquid ecstasy, and then dropping you off at the BUNNY RANCH in Las Vegas with $25,000.00 in "free-play" Gift Certificates.(wink,wink)

I called that fool up today, just to check on him. I asked him if he was doing anything today and he replied:

Homie: "Man.....It's Friday......I ain't got no job......and I ain't got shit to do...."

(without referring to the Movie Friday, because this was really his situation)

Then I chime in with:

Me: "oh, let me guess..... You finna get high today????"

Homie: "Dude, ....I'm already high.......I'm finna go swimming today....and then get high again....I'll send you a post card"

Me: "You need to quit getting high all the damn time and go get yo self HIRED"

Then that mother TATER starts singing that Bruno Mar's "Lazy Song"....Today I don't feel like doing anything.........Nothing at all.

.....And I hang up the phone.

I hate that Asshole.

Speaking of being High....This shit is funny as hell.

Hey........Where Did Everybody Go????

2011-06-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

Last night I had one of those dreams that was straight out of a movie......But it was real...and absolutely true.

I was posted up, in the middle of "A" lobby (the main building everyone hung out in between class periods. 1 out of about 7, not including, the gyms and portable trailers...... A Huge campus) of THE Germantown High School.

I was at my favorite spot, in between the corner of the hallway and the Trophy case, next to the pay phone. (I know ya'll probably don't remember what a pay phone is now-a-day's).

It was perfect.......I could see all of the girls walk by, and more importantly, ...they could definitely see me.

Back then, we had a special click or group called P.B.U. and we were the first black unsanctioned group to ever grace the campus of Germantown High.

We acted similar to a gang, but we were far from it.

Instead of drugs....we tapped into what our peers really craved all day long........Fucking Sugar.
This was before they allowed vending machines and shit inside the schools except for the teachers lounge, where students were not allowed or welcomed. (I wonder what type of kinky shit teachers did with each other in those sacred lounges???)

So we sold candy. Completely legal, however it was frowned upon by the administration, so we had to take it underground and slang it in the allies and corners of the building to stay out of sight.
So it probably looked like we were selling a different kind of rock candy.....but we weren't.

It was a booming business. We drove all the way out to North Memphis, where we had a whole-sale buyer, who allowed us to buy in bulk without taxes, even though we didn't have a business license. Then we were able to go back to campus and sell them for retail price, which was cheap back then.......like $25 cents.
If it wasn't for our flashy tendencies, trying to impress the ladies, we could have probably paid our way through college........But Nooooooo. It was all about living for the day, we weren't promised tomorrow.

But I have totally digressed,
Back to the dream.
So anyway, as I was posted up in "A" lobby, surrounded by all of these people I used to know and associate with on a daily basis, I pulled my year book out for everyone to sign.

When the first person came to sign my book, they wrote "Best Wishes, Stay the Same, BFF" (And YES, it was a girl).
Then she walked away and vanished.

The next person wrote "Dogs For Life 1 Love"
Then he walked away and vanished.

This continued to go on until finally, there was only 1 person left. It was me...... Not me, but it was like a twin of myself.
We looked alike (Nice looking fellow), talked alike.....It was like my reflection.
But anyway, He walked up to me and signed my year book also.
He wrote "Everyone else lied to you, but I won't. It was nice knowing you, but we will never meet again."
Then he walked away and vanished.

I felt so alone after that. I ran through all of the 7 buildings in the school looking for anybody, but no one was there.

When I awoke, I just sat in my bed and wondered what happened to everyone I used to know.
What were they doing now? Were they alive?
I couldn't get the words "we will never meet again" out of my head. I hate the word "never"....it's so permanent and I am afraid of commitment (seriously, I really am).

When I went to brush my teeth, I looked in the mirror and remember what I wrote to my self in my yearbook.
Although, I miss the old me, I'm glad that I have changed.
I will never forget the people that I have met along the way, nor do I regret my mistakes. They have all made me who I am, and without them, I would not be ME.

I wonder what other people dream about?
Do you even remember your dreams???? A few years ago, I couldn't remember my dreams at all, but now I can.......Weird.

2's

Don't You DARE Get Caught With Your Picture Taken While Eating The Melon!!!

2011-06-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

Recently, I found myself in a serious life and death situation.
I was at a cook-out, having a pretty good time and enjoying some pretty good food at my brother's house, when ......IT HAPPENED......(scream in the background, with scary organ music playing)

One of my old friends (a black guy) had just polished off some Bar-B-Q chicken and was about to embark on a delightful voyage of sampling some fresh, refrigerated, Watermelon.
So after he licked off the excess sauce from his fingers, he grabbed him a slice of melon. Every thing was going just fine until a girl walked into the room with a camera.
All of a sudden, time slowed down and everything began to move in slow motion.

My buddy started to go in for this huge bite of Watermelon just as the girl said "hey everybody smile for the camera".

Without thinking, I immediately jumped into action...(Rocky IV music playing in the background)
Before my napkin could hit the floor, I was in mid flight, stretching my arms as far as they could go in order to save my friend.
God was on my side that day, because just as the flash of the camera was going off, my hand was able to block the camera from permanently capturing my friend in the compromising and stereotypical "Black Man Eating Watermelon Photo".

Once again, I was able to save the day.
Although no thanks was given to me (which is quite usual), and everyone complained about how I had scared the shit out of them, causing them to spill their drinks......
I knew, that I had rescued that man from being the next poster child for the upcoming Republican Tea ~~Baggers~~...I mean Tea Party's run for the White House.

I am a true Hero indeed. Like Batman....... A Fugitive of justice, but I'm serving the good of mankind.....Misunderstood. No Thanks needed. I will keep on......keeping on.

So please take this as a warning to all of you during this Super Hot Sizzling Summer.
Enjoy your Booze, Bar-B-Q, and your Ice Cold Watermelon,
BUT DON'T YOU DARE GET CAUGHT WITH YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WHILE EATING THE MELON.

I might not be there to save you.

GTP-OTBiatch

30ish and Single???? 2 Good 2B True or RED Flag?

2011-06-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to see some of my old friends from college this past weekend and we got a chance to catch up on life.
I was surprised to learn that more than a few of them were still single. My brother is single, my cousin is single, my uncle is single, my frat brothers are single ......damn, I realized that there are a lot of people who are 30ish and still single.
We sat around and talked about if being single at our age is a rare find and to good to be true, or a RED flag that screams "Run N***, ...Run".

The majority of them wondered if women went through the same thought process that men did when they met a 30ish single person of the opposite sex.

The first thing a man thinks about when he meets a single woman in her 30's is.....
"damn, she fine.....Why is a lady like this still single???? Awwww shit, this b*** must be crazy."

(Exit Stage Right, then Run)

It's obvious that women wonder the same about single men in their 30's. Because they start asking shit like,
"Sooooo, you're not married? You don't have any kids?????" Then they start trying to indirectly find out if you're gay and if you subscribe to Cosmo magazine and shop at Banana Republic or Baby Gap.

But really, it is only natural to wonder if something is wrong with them isn't it?
We have all been taught that if something seems too good to be true,,,,, It probably is.

Statistically, the odds of finding someone in their 30's who is single, childless, no baggage from a previous marriage, and isn't crazy, controlling, abusive, or unemployed.........is slim to none.

Therefore, it makes perfect sense to be skeptical of someone you meet who is still single.

I asked a few of my friends why they never settled down, and they said that either someone broke their heart or it was too many fish in the sea and that everyone they knew who did settle down, regretted it.

[Friend:] "Of all the people you know who are married, how many of them are either miserable, depressed, going through a divorce or re-married?"

[Me: ]"A lot of them"

[Friend:] "Same here. So after seeing this trend among those around me, how much sense does it make for me to go out and make the same mistake that they made?"

[Me:] "Not much sense, if you put it like that. But you can't predict your future happiness based on other people's situations."

[Friend:] "True"

[Me:] "So you mean to tell me that you are never going to get married?"

[Friend:] "Naw, I'm not saying that. In fact, I think I am ready to settle down.....If I can find the right one. I think I have lived the single life long enough to say that I FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT." (lol)
"It's just harder to find a good, AVAILABLE one after 30 (that aint crazy as a Honey Badger on crack)"

I wondered why I used to see these 8+ star chicks with these 4+ star dudes. But now I know.
The closer you get to 30, the lower your standards get, because those 10+ star people have already been scooped and scored with.

So if you sit around waiting on your 10 star prize catch.......

Jesus might return before that happens and take you to a place where there are noting but 10 Stars, but I doubt there will be much bumping and grinding there. So whats the point of having a 10 star chick there?????? 5+ chicks usually hold better conversations anyway, and that's about the only thing ya'll will be holding up there right?????

GTP-2's

Sorry

2011-06-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

When I awoke this morning, I was bursting with great ideas and topics to write about. The fuel that ignites the fires of my blogs is emotion (or give-a-shitness) and without it, I just am not motivated.
So anyway, filled with all of these ideas and motivation to change the world through my words....I got in my car......cranked it up.....and proceeded to drive in to work.

I can't stand that long ass drive to work every morning, because I have to go through Olive Branch where they have 7 tatering traffic lights (that are always red for ME) within a 1.5 mile area (Hwy 305 between Church rd. and Goodman rd.).
It Sucks chocolate covered balls.

Then, Church Rd., which is built wide open.....perfect for speeding has a flipping 45mph speed limit.......Whats worse, is that people actually obey it.
Which means that they drive side by side alllllllllll the way to I-55 and won't move the hell out of my way. (insert Super-Mad Face.....with steam coming out of the ears)

So needless to say,
by the time I finally got to my blog notebook that I left on my desk yesterday, all my great writing ideas were replaced with evil thoughts of malice and road rage (disclaimer: "I am just kidding".........everyone knows that malice and road rage are NOT evil thoughts....they're natural as rain)

So sorry, no blog today.

.....or .....wait a minute.
I think I just blogged about not having a blog.
Cool beans.

So sorry about not having a GOOD blog today.
I hope your day started better than mine.

The Crazy Honey Badger....My New Idol

2011-05-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

So these crazy people in the dispatch center, down in the Mississippi region of the Tri-State area, thought that they would brighten up my day by introducing me to this video about the Crazy Honey Badger.

At first, I was honestly like "WTF". Who wants to watch this stupid ass shit?

But about 1.5 minutes into the video, I was hooked.

I mean, I've never even heard of a Taterin Honey Badger, and here, I'm seeing this amazing creature do these awesome acts of boldness, bravery, and pure "not given a shitness".

I'm afraid of 3 things in this world.......

1. Killer Bees

2. Snakes

3. Rejection

1. The Honey Badger, single handedly devoured an entire bee hive and endured sting, after sting, after sting, without so much as a flinch. Now that's a bad mother ~~fucker~~ tater.

2. The Honey Badger, single handedly fought the most deadly snake known to man, and not only did he survive its poison.....he took a nap, woke up, and ate that bitch. Now that's a bad mother ~~fucker~~ tater.

3. The Honey Badger, is rejected everywhere he goes, simply because he's a super bad ass.......but does the badger go curl up in a corner and cry like some bitch????? Hell No, the Honey Badger goes in there and takes what he wants.

I wish I could be more like the Honey Badger. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to go on Craigelist right now and see what's the going price for one.

I bet they make great pets.

And you thought walking in the park with your cute Sissy dog, was a good way to get attention.....

And you thought walking in the park with your Pit-Bull, was a good way to show who's the boss.....

Well I'm coming through that bitch with my Mother Fuckin (tater wouldn't do him justice) Crazy Honey Badger named Deebo and

We shuttin the whole park DOWN!!!!!!

So thank you to all my buddies in the dispatch center, down in the Mississippi region of the Tri-State area, South of the Haven, West of the Branch, and Southeast of the Lake, who have tried their best to make me smile. I am definitely smiling with my new buddy, Deebo Da Badger.

GTP-OTB 2's

Passive Observer

2011-05-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

In most states (if not all), you are liable to be sued if you stand by and simply watch as someone slowly dies a painful and torturous death. Ironically, if you help them and hurt them in the process of saving their life, you are also liable to be sued.
I guess you're damned if you do......and you're damned if you don't. The best solution is to look around and find out how many other people are in the vicinity and then run like hell.

So my question today is weather it is wrong or right to stand by and watch a friend slowly die emotionally and spiritually?

Initially, I was like "Of course it is wrong to stand by and watch", but after careful consideration, I came to the conclusion that you should stand there and watch them suffer.

As a friend, standing by and doing nothing might be the hardest thing you will have to do, but as a friend you MUST.
If that person on the floor fails to come to the realization on their own, that they must choose to stop dying, then they will never recover.
If you, as a friend, have to save them, then they will forever be dependent on you to always save them. They will be crippled for life, and you would have done them a great disservice.

The hardest thing that I have ever done, has been sitting by and watching my best friend die a slow and painful death. I could almost feel the same agony that he felt by watching him go through it.
He described the pain as "a root canal to the heart, without any sedation or medication".

I don't know about you, but a root canal WITH medication brought me to tears, when I had it done.

After a while though, I began to feel less sympathy for him and more pity.
Because at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our situations. We can't control other people's actions, but we can control how we respond to it.

I have tried over and over to convince my friend that he has to snap out of it, but he doesn't listen to me. He chooses to be the fool.

So I will stand by, like a good friend and watch him continue to die slowly. I may not always have a shoulder for him to cry on, but I will always have a mop and a bucket to wipe up the blood.

Take One For The Team

2011-05-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

After my most recent post, I can't use the phrase "Take one for the team" without giving credit to where it came from. Originally, the phrase was first introduced on the Diamonds of America.....That means baseball fields.
Whenever a team was down to their last strike, and needed to get their best batter up to swing, they would ask the poor sap who was batting in front of him to "Take one for the team". This meant that he was suppose to INTENTIONALLY get hit by a 90mph, baseball thrown by the pitcher in order to avoid getting another out and allowing their best player to try and win the game for them.

[Side Note: It must suck to be that guy who the team asked to take the hit. What does that say about how much(or little) they think of you????]

"Taking one for the team" is sacrifice in it's purest form. Like grade "A" cocaine straight off the Coca Plant in Colombia.......Not that watered down shit you get off the steets.

It's like jumping in front of a bullet to save a loved one.
How many of your friends would take a bullet for you??????
If your answer is more than one, I think you are giving your friends too much credit and are in for a rude awakening if ya'll ever decide to go to the Mid-South Heritage Classic on one of the years that they start shooting in the stadium again.

The term "taking one for the team" is used less literally now-a-days.
Back in my School Daze, my friends and I always used the term quite frequently.
Every night we went out, at least one person was going to have to "take one for the team".

Women, are like lionesses.....they always hunt in packs.....never alone.

There is usually a ring leader who calls the shots and the rest of the pack, follows her lead.
Some cats in the pack are faster than the others.
Some cats in the pack are stronger than the others.
And some cats in the pack have a better sense of smell to locate the prey.
Everyone has a different strength and when combined as one group, they are amazing.

Just like lionesses, women also have different strengths from the others within their group.
But some also have Weaknesses........Big Weaknesses. Like the commonly known medical condition known as Fugly....... or in laymen's terms ~~...FUCKIN~~ Taterin UGLY

So when we used to go out, if we saw a group of girls, we would approach them and engage in some friendly conversation. Within 1-2 mins, it would be easy to determine which guy or guys the Hot Chicks liked.
If you were one of the lucky ones, you would spend the rest of the evening trying to win the affection of the Hot Chick.
If you were not, then by the rules of the "MAN LAW" you were obligated to "take one for the team".

This means that you had to entertain and pretend to be interested in the FUGLY chicks.

Like I said before, women hunt in packs, and if a guy's friends were to leave the "lucky guy(s)" alone with the female group, his chances to score a phone number, date, or the Nah Nah would drop by 77.7% (true fact)
This is why the friends must stay and occupy the ducklings, while their homie goes into mack mood.
Not only do they have to hang around, but they have to actively attempt to make sure the evil step sisters of Snow White are having a good time, because if the ducklings aren't happy, then they will turn into Jealous, Cock-Blocking, Divas, who are "all of a sudden" ready to go home.

"Taking one for the time" can consist of:
-Giving out your fake number
-Getting theirs and not throwing it away while she's looking
-Promising to call them later that evening
-Being seen in public with them
-Taking a walk with them, so your homie can have a little 1-on-1 time
-Promising to come see them the following day
-Pretending to really be listening to their story about how they almost made it on "American Idol"

Yes friends....."Taking one for the team" is the purest form of sacrifice, and only REAL Friends will do it for you.

So in parting I leave you with these questions........Are YOU a REAL friend??? Would you "Take one for the team"??????

Then go out there and Prove it !!!

Who The Hell Died And Made "THEY" King?

2011-05-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

You know,

I am one of the most cool, calm, and collected people that you will ever meet. I am rarely pushed to the point of pissedtivity. However, the ironic thing about that, is that I get sooooo frustrated over little things......things that no one else even thinks about.....or realizes....or cares about.
Like I wrote a blog about how I can't stand it when girls say..." And here's my thing" It's trivial, but shit, It doesn't even make an ounce of since......It's your opinion bitch....not your thing.....guys have things.....you are special because you don't have a thing......If you no longer want to be special, then by all means, go out and get you a thing.

Well today, I am Tatering dying to know, just who in the hell is "THEY" and who in the hell made them King?

See, ......Right now, you are asking yourself the exact same question that I asked myself yesterday, which lead to this blog.
You're asking "Who is THEY"?

My question exactly. No matter how many people I ask, not a single damn one of them can tell me the answer.
And yet.......They all use "THEY" as a reference to validate whatever the ~~Fuck~~ (whoops, working on my potty mouth) Tater comes out of their mouths.

Let me give you some examples to help you, better understand what I mean about "THEY" and the potential consequences:

A.

So you and couple of buddies are hanging out at happy hour, talking about your shitty jobs, and your boring lives, when you order a Red Bull & Vodka. There is always a Pooper at every party, and the Pooper makes the comment
" You know..... "THEY" say that Red Bull & Vodka is not good for you".
(Pause..... Quiet before the storm)

Really ~~Bitch~~ Nice Human Being?????? Well who in the hell is "THEY"?
......You don't know? Well before you start quoting shit, you need to know who the author is.
Cause see, Ryan say's that Red Bull & Vodka is the shit, and you know who he is????? He's the bartender, and there ain't no expert in the world that knows more about liquor than the Bartender.
That cheap-ass, bottom shelf margarita in YO cup, is made with tequila that's "2 table spoons of water" away from being rubbing alcohol.
Don't get me started on what's not good for you.
So you can go and tell "THEY" that I said go Tater himself and the horse he rode in on.
........Hey Ryan, can I have another RBV please.......2-4-1 makes me HAPPY.

B.

So Jack and Meehoff are co-workers chilling in the break room, having lunch. Jack starts talking about how he would make a good boss and about how unfit of a manager Mr. Cummings is because of his poor judgments and affair with the cafeteria lady Ms. Puddings. Meehoff points out to Jack, that he(Jack) made terrible decisions as well, like the time he called in sick and got so drunk that he bought drinks at a strip club with the company credit card
.....Not to mention the affair he was having with Mr. Cummings' wife.

Then Meehoff hits Jack with ......You know, "THEY" say that "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" ..

Who the hell is "THEY" asshole? and who the hell are you to judge me Tater face?
I don't live in no stinking glass house.....and what's that's suppose to mean anyway. Nobody lives in a glass house.
And if you say one word to Mr. Cummings, I'm gonna kick the shit out of you and "THEY"....whoever the Tater that is.

Now, you see what I mean? Those are just some examples of how people try to say smart things based on smart research, but the problem is, no one knows exactly where it comes from. They just heard someone else say it.....and took it as truth, without doing their own research.

That's like people who go to church and listen to what the preacher says and never questions it or read the scripture for themselves. The difference between a congregation and a cult is self research. LAZY.
That is the part that pisses me off. So consider this another GTP PSA:

"If you are going to use an idiom, cliche', or words of wisdom....Know where it comes, who said it, and what it means, Or simply say what the TATER you mean, and stop trying to be so damn cute."

Don't You Just Hate It When......?

2011-05-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

I absolutely, positively, can not stand when people do the following things.

When people see that you enjoying your Hamburger (or other food that doesn't require utensils), and they walk up to you and try to shake your hand.

When you are in an elevator and there's a mother Tater on there who sounds like a broken radiator every time they breath. I hate that shit. Not only is that annoying, but it makes me hold my breath till one of us gets off, because I don't want to breath in anything that came out of those lungs.

When Mother Taters drive side by side on the highway with their cruise control set to the speed limit........Dammit, if your are going the same speed, then get behind him and get the ~~fuck~~ tater out my way.

When people greet you with "Watcha doing bub".?????? Is that a tatering question? Do you really care? Are you really wanting to know?
And what really sucks about that is when one of your superiors use it. Then you really don't know if he's wanting to know what you're working on or just saying hello.

You really didn't think I was going to put a Pic up....did you?

When people tell you BOLD FACE LIES. I mean the kind where they flat out know that they are lying and know that you are going to find out. This could be personal, business, or even strangers trying to sell you something. I hate BOLD FACE LIES.

When you pull up to the drive through at the bank and have to decide which line to get in? There are the same number of cars in each line and you want to pick the fastest one. So you stay back for a little bit and try to see which one is going to leave first........then someone else gets behind you and forces you to chose one.
And you always chose the one that takes the longest. Sitting there, still in line looking stupid while the guy who was behind you is getting his money and leaving.

When someone backs out of an obligation they had with you, and give you an excuse soooooooo lame, that it questions how low they thought your intelligence level was. I mean that shit makes you feel really bad. Not the backing out part...... but that they thought you were stupid enough to believe the excuse.

When you go to a fast food restaurant and the person taking your order acts like they have someplace better to be. Like you are inconveniencing their super important text conversation about how "Nikki dun quit KFC cause dey won't let her wear her orange extensions....So she finna go to Wendy's.......I told her.....fuck dem folks....dane talkin bout shit an way (2 snaps)"

When you make the mistake of commenting on someones Facebook post, and get 50million updates each time someone else (who you don't even know) makes comments to the same post.......UUUGGHH

When Detective White goes to McDonalds and orders a 1/3 pound super-size Angus Burger Combo w/ Fries......Chicken selects,.......2 apple pies......AND a ~~Fucking~~ Tatering DIET COKE.
Come on Man.....Really??

What Is It About Beer and Stripper Poles????

2011-05-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

Floods, Tsunami's, Tornado's........It doesn't matter.

When it comes to Bar-B-Q, Beer, Music, and MEMPHIS........Don't nothing stop da show.

So mother nature thought she was going to throw a monkey wrench in our city's plans for Bar-B-Q fest by flooding the entire Riverside Drive Park, where it is normally held every year.........Think again.

We just told Mother Nature to go Mother Tater herself, as we simply moved to a new location.

This year, the festivities were held at the new Tiger Row, just next to Liberty Bowl Stadium.

I think it was a much better location than Riverside. There was no dirt to turn into mud when it rains,.....No mosquito's sucking your blood.....and no safety hazards of drunk people falling down the boulders on the banks of the river down into the the Mississippi, never to be seen again ( not that it would be my problem anyway....but just saying).

The last few years, I have been working a security detail at one of the tents, at the event. It was great last year, and from what I saw last night it's going to be great this year as well. The tent I work is the best tent in the whole park.

There's great food, cool people, a jamming DJ and most importantly.............A STRIPPER POLE.

What is it about beer and stripper poles that automatically becomes a recipe for disaster?

It is amazing to stand by and watch the things that people do when they drink beer and see a stripper pole.

Here is the timeline of the evening:

6:00pm-- Feeding time. People are lined up, filling their plates with all kinds of good Bar-B-Q. Some folks are in button up shirs and nice shoes, others are casually dressed and with their families. Everyone looks pretty normal, although 25% of them are already feeling pretty good (if you know what I mean).

7:00pm-- Tables are cleared out and the DJ starts to warm the dance floor with some mello groves. Families start to leave and friends start to arrive. Open beer bar is officially in full effect.

7:30pm-- The dance floor is cleared again and the STRIPPER POLE is installed in the middle of the dance floor. The women in the tent look a little intimidated by the POLE. They walk and dance around it, but they aren't brave enough to get on it yet.

7:45pm-- Someone at the tent Happens to be dating a real stripper, who decides to show em how it's done. So she climbs to the top of the 20ft pole, does the splits, and twirls all the way down......Sounds pretty hot huh?...Yeah, it would have been if she was Hot her damn self, but she wasn't.

8:00pm-- The girls are DRUNK right now and the DJ decides to play "Baby Got Back" (why is it that women with nosatall ((No Ass At All)) always start backing that thang up when this song comes on??).

So this one ~~bitch~~...I mean chick, thinks that she can repeat the STRIPPER POLE move that the professional stripper did. So she gets her drunk ass up on the pole and climbs up that Mother Tater. Then she leans back and tries to do the twirl down the pole..........(Ya'll know exactly where this is going, don't you?)

***BOOM*** head first to the ground.

Then she gets up and does the universal sign for "I'm drunk, I fell, I should be embarrassed but I'm not, but I need to do something cool to play it off" .... You know.. Make the devil/rocker sign with your hands and scream "WOOOOO"

9:00pm--The party is in full gear. Girls are on the pole dancing, drunk as hell, forgetting that they are wearing dresses, and making love to the STRIPPER POLE. It's kind of sexy at this point, which made my job hard as Tater, because now every Tom, Dick, and Hairy, is trying sneak, cheat, and bribe their way past me.

10:00pm-- All Hell breaks loose. Now the Tatering fat ass guys are on the STRIPPER POLE.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: NO DICKS ON THE STRIPPER POLE

Not only is it the the most disgusting thing that I have seen in my life, but these dudes are about the rip down the whole tent swinging their fat asses around like ballerinas.

I had to yank 2 of them off the pole.......well actually only 1. The other guy decided he too, was going to try to replicate what the professional stripper did at the beginning of the party.

NO DICKS ON THE STRIPPER POLE

He climbed his fat ass up to the top of the 20 ft pole. Leaned back.........and.....(LMFAO)........and .....(omg, lol, give me a second to compose myself).....and that guy went ....******BOOOOOOOOM****** onto the floor.

ohhh shit. I thought his ass was dead.

I helped him up and tried to get him to seek some medical attention, but he was only concerned about finding his "Red Neck, Confederate Flag, Zippo", which we found eventually.

11:30pm-- No one inside is drunk anymore. They are all officially SHIT FACED. There is an old man dancing with a cute young girl, but he is doing some weird version of the "jack knife" dance move, and running around in circles........ After seeing that, It was time for me to go.

Best Part of the whole thing was..........That was only Thursday night. Ya'll pray for me tonight. Especially if the Grizzlies win. I might have to call in the SWAT team.

Hall Pass

2011-05-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

Once again, AJR Productions comes up with another one.

After seeing the recently released movie HALL PASS, they wanted to know if most men would actually take their wives up on the offer, and if they would actually get any play.

First off, in case you don't know what a Hall Pass is, it's an opportunity that is given to a spouse to go out and do whatever they want to do without any penalty, within a certain time span. That means he/she can have a weekend or entire week to go out and party, drink, ~~fuck~~ tater, and do absolutely whatever with whomever they want without any punishment or guilt.

ANOTHER NIGHT ON THE COUCH

So to the first question: would most guys take their wives up on the offer?

Let me think about that.................ummmmmmmmmmmm

....................still thinking..............................Processing .......................considering consequences of my response..............................

drinking a beer......................... now another beer...........................

Hell The ~~Fuck~~ Tater Yeah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now as to the second question: Would he actually get some play?...........Don't need to go through a ritual for this answer. Hell The ~~Fuck~~ Tater Naw!!!!!!! (Unless he has been cheating throughout the relationship and has a chick on the side)

When a guy gets married (really married, committed), he turns into a totally different type of person. It's like having kids (at least for the real men and fathers out there ((aint that many of them left))).

One minute,

you"re rolling down I-55 at 80 miles per hour, drinking a totty, bumbin some 3-6 mafia...talkin bout "whup dat trick" and "suk a nicka dick or something....eat a lil Kat or something"

And the next minute,

you're safely cruising on the back roads, with your kids strapped to a car seat, playing a DVD with a ~~Fucked~~ Tatered up looking cartoon character on the screen, and you are singing songs from "Yo Gabba Gabba" (if you don't know what that is...then have you some kids)

When a man gets married, he loses everything he had that made him cool.

Women do it on purpose....don't lie.

You remember when you first met him? .....How cool that mother ~~fucker~~ tater was?

How nicely he dressed, and the way he let you know that it was time for some "lovin" (wink wink)?

Well look at his ass now.

After years of you telling him that his outfit didn't match, or it looked tacky, because YOU didn't want other chicks scoping out ya man,

He looks like Fred Sanford.

He aint cool no more!!!!!!

And talk about picking up a girl???? His pick up lines are more outdated than Jerry Curl Juice, dripping on the back of a Pimp with a Mink Coat on.

Think about how he lets you know that it's time for some "lovin" now............Not so sexy huh?

When married men go out into the world, they get their head blown up sooooo big, because there are all these women out there looking for a husband and not enough men to meet the high demand. Therefore, men start to imagine how much ass they could be getting if they weren't married (mostly because they ain't gettin that much at the house....hint, hint).

The truth is, when a single woman sees a man with a ring on, it lets her know that he isn't a complete dead beat. Someone (you) has already validated him. Therefore he must be a good one.

If you give your man a Hall Pass, he takes the ring off and is no longer validated. He becomes just another guy trying to get the Nah Nah.

When that happens, he will be judged by his looks, charm, sexiness, and coolness....you know, the same standards as the rest of the guys out there.

But as we have discussed earlier.....(hello!!!!)He doesn't have any of those things anymore (thanks to your perfectly designed tactics.....bravo ladies.....bravo)

Imagine if you are a single lady....and Fred Sanford walks up to you and says...."Damn baby, I know yo feet must be tired......cause you been running through my mind all day".

I rest my case.

So to all the ladies out there, If your man wants a Hall Pass and he hasn't been cheating on you the entire relationship....Give it to him.

You will be happy you did.

1. He won't get any

2. He will come running back sooner than you think

3. He will realize how lucky he is that YOU are with his lame ass

4. He won't be asking for any more Hall Passes

~~5. He will probably realize how easy it is for women to get men and never give you a Hall Pass~~

Never mind #5, I guess that probably isn't a good thing for you huh?

Men are primitive creatures, and like a good dog.....they always come back home.

Train him right......Feed him good...... and you will never have anything to worry about.

The best leash is the one that you can't see.

The Yellow Brick Road

2011-05-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

The journey of a million miles begins with one simple step. It is the destination that dictates our direction. Once your coordinates have been set, then the only thing left to do is walk.

I was told to follow the yellow brick road. That it would lead me to a place called the Emerald City, and there, is where I would find all of the answers to everything I ever wanted to know. What they did not tell me, was that the bricks on the road, are not always yellow. They did not tell me that the road had bridges either. Like any and all other bridges, without proper maintenance, they deteriorate and collapse. The road to the Emerald City is filled with fragile and broken bridges. It seems that everyone wants to use the yellow brick road, but no one wants to maintain it.

I have often seen this place in my dreams, and on a few occasions, actually got to meet the wizard. One time, he told me a secret about the yellow brick road and it made me laugh. Not just giggle, I mean rolling on the floor laughing. I wish I could share it, but I promised not to. You are sooooo going to laugh when you learn it. Have fun on the yellow brick road.

Dear Momma

2011-05-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

Behind every good man, there is a great woman.....

A saying with more truth to it does not exist. But before a man can ever be great, he must first be created. It is only by the grace of God and the portal of a woman, that creation can occur.

It is for this reason that I can say without a single drop of doubt that " before every good man, there was a greater woman.

In a world viewed through my extremely biased eyes, there has been very few men created greater than I....(yeah, I said it) Therefore, there could only have been even fewer women greater than my creator....My Mom.

It is with the highest degree of love, respect, and thanks, that I share this tribute of the greatest woman to walk the face of the earth since Eve. This poem is dedicated to my magnificent mother.

Enjoy.

Like potted plants, enriched with love, I have risen like no other,
above the grass, to uncharted paths,
trying to be just like my mother,

Just as Theodore Rose....you chose, to speak softly and carry a big stick.
Not once did you raise your voice at us,
Not once did you throw a mad fit,

I've never got the chance to say, how much I appreciate,
The way you allowed me to make bad choices,
And learn from my own mistakes,

You've been my rock through stormy weather, my shade, in sweltering days,
The Alpha, to the "Enforcer Omega"Ω
The lighter fluid on the trails that I blaze,

So on this day, of maternal thanks, I hope this will leave you with smiles,
Know that I love you, and miss you each day,
though we'er separated by 5,362 miles.

I LOVE YOU MOM.......HAPPY MOTHERS DAY.

Goldeneye aka Che' Che' ake Semsem aka heeeyyyyyy sugar

It's More Than Just A Game

2011-05-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

On April 29th 2011, In Memphis TN at the FedEx Forum, History was made. According to experts, there were approx. 110,000 people downtown, well probably 110,002 counting me and my #4 Kamikaze. The streets were packed and I knew it was going to be a hot mess down there, so I wasn't going to miss it for the world.

Everybody, including me, hoped that we were going to see the Memphis Grizzlies beat the #1 seated San Antonio Spurs and advance to the 2nd Round of the playoffs for the first time. I wasn't prepared for the emotional excitement and pleasure that was going to found down there.

So we decided to go to down to music fest first. After paying $20 for parking (totally expected though), we began our 1.5 mile hike to get down to river side drive. There were hoards of people everywhere and the fair like atmosphere, was enough to drive your senses wild. .....Pronto Pups, Funnel Cakes, and BEER.........OH MY.

The concerts were really big and had great lighting for the shows. I think I saw 3 or 4 huge stages.
But anyway, once we got down there, we realized that there were 2 significant, ideological flaws with our initial plan......
1. There were no TV's to see the game down there
2. We weren't going to pay $9 for a beer.

And then suddenly, it appeared out of nowhere.......... Almost as if God descended down from the heavens himself and said...."LET THERE BE LIGHT"......

There,....In the middle of the the Memphis Desert,....We laid our eyes upon the Ultimate MAN TENT..
It was the Budweiser Tent.

Completely loaded with 40in Flat screens, Hott Bartenders, beer cups that magically were filled from the bottom of the cup, all the FREE BEER you could drink, and most importantly....... Private Port-a-Potty's.

The only problem with the tent, was that you had to have a wristband to get in,....and to get a wristband, you needed to work for budweiser, know somebody at the door, or be a hot chick......and we were non of the above, so I had to seek out other methods of getting into the tent.....
Because by hook, or by crook, I was getting into that ~~fucking~~ tatering tent.

So although I am not going to tell you how I got in, I will let you know that I got in the tent and it was awesome.
The highlight of the evening wasn't that I got into the Budweiser tent and see those awesome new cups that fill up from the bottom,........Nope, but that was a pretty close runner-up.
The Highlight of the evening happened in the 4th quarter of the game.

The artist B.O.B. was performing and he was killing it, his audience includes people of all races, gender, religions,.ect., So there was a nice mixture of people at the last stage, close to the Budweiser tent.

But in the final 4 mins of the the fourth quarter, All performers stopped playing, because everyone at music fest was gathered around the Budweiser Tent, because they had the only TV's.
I was so happy to be on the inside of the tent, looking out, because I had free beer and plenty of stretching room.
The highlight of the evening was when I stood up on one of the chairs and started to lead the outside crowd in the Memphis Grizzlies fight chants.
I saw a beautiful sea of Memphians united under one banner. There were no blacks, whites, hispanics, middle easterners, nor orientals.

There was only one nation out there.......The Griz Nation.

Never before, Have we been able to rally behind our team like this. For once, we were not only in the Playoffs, ....we were winning. There hasn't been this much excitement since our Tigers made it to the NCAA Championship Game (thank God we lost, cause they would have stripped it from us the next year anyway).

It was a good day to see how far we have come from the days of color lines and division.
It isn't just a game.
Sports have united nations for years, and Memphis is no different. Like the Rugby team of South Africa,.....Memphis Grizzlies.....I salute you for bringing us all together in celebration of a common purpose.

And Budweiser tent.....I salute you for those awesome ass cups that fill up from the bottom.......oh, and the free beer too.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

2011-04-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

Mr. William Earnest Henley wrote the words

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul."

Taken from his poem "Invictus", Mr. Henley reminds us that no matter how desperate and impossible a situation my appear, if you look deep within yourself, God has given you everything you need to overcome that obstacle.

All you need have is FAITH.

Which leads me into my topic for today.....Are you afraid of the dark?

I sat in my apartment this weekend, and watched as the sun slowly disappeared beneath the tree line in front of my building.

With all of the lights off at the time, the sun light was more than enough to brighten the entire room. Around 7:45ish, the sun was almost gone but I could still see everything in my living room, clear as day.

By 8:00, there was no sun, no light,.....nothing, but I could still see everything in my living room.

I felt safe, secure, and comforted by the darkness. I used to not feel that way.

I started to reminisce about the days when I was a kid, and how I was so afraid of the dark.

The shadows in the room looked like gigantic monsters about to devour me at any second.

Every noise sounded like the devil was coming to get me for stealing that ButterFingers from Kroger, and I didn't know if that hand on my ankle was my brother ~~fucking~~ tatering with me again, or the Real Boogie Man this time. Either way, I was probably about to piss my pants.

Mom told me that there was no Boogie Man, there were no monsters, and she had already beat the shit out of me for taking that ButterFingers from Kroger, so I had nothing else to fear in the dark.

I trusted mom, ....So why was I still afraid of the dark?

It took me years to realize that only thing that separated people who were afraid of the dark, from people who weren't was FAITH.

When you have faith, you know that nothing is going to happen to you because you are protected. Weather it's God, or your mother, you know that they aren't going to let anything happen to you. Otherwise, they would never have put you in the dark.

So back to the present day........back to my dark living room.

I finally saw things sooooo clear. I realized that there is no "darkness", there is only a dimmer bright.....

Darkness = without light

Technically, there is no such thing as without light. Everything has light, some things just need super technology to see it.

When you let your eyes slowly get adjusted to dimming light, you can see everything. It is only when someone turns the lights off without warning that you can't see without them.

So if you are in a dark place right now, just close your eyes for 30 seconds and let them get adjusted to the blackness, and when you re-open them, you will finally see as clear as day.

As for me,....I no longer fear the darkness,.....I embrace it.

The darkness fears me, for the darkness can not destroy me. All I need do, to destroy the darkness, is to flip the light switch to "on".

GTP- 2's

7 Rules to Watching Porn

2011-04-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, there are actually rules to watching porn.

Why wouldn't there be? There are rules to everything else in life, so why would porn be any different?
Well actually porn is different because, not everyone feels comfortable with admitting they watch it or even talking about PORN.

It's kind of like back in school, when they tried to make you comfortable with talking about sex.
They would put up a picture of what appeared to be a crocked dick
(which scared me at first, because I was like "my dick doesn't look like that.....maybe there is something wrong with me?" but after seeing my first porno, I felt better about my self....Not size wise of course, I was 13......just better about not having that goofy curve)
And the teacher made you sing in unison "PENIS, PENIS, PENIS"

Which was followed by a female picture of ......... ummmm nothing.....actually. It just looked like something was missing. Apparently, all the important things were inside.
But anyway, the teacher made everyone sing "VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA"

The same is true with porn, except we never had a class on porn.
So consider this your free seminar on PORN.

First of all, in order to get you comfortable with the subject, I need you all to gather around, like scouts at a bonfire,.......Hold hands..... and all together sing.."PORN, PORN, PORN"
Very good. Now that you are all comfortable with it, here are the 7 rules to watching porn.

Rule #1: You DO NOT watch porn in a public place
Rule #2: You DO NOT watch porn at work or in a meeting
Rule #3: If you break rule #2, you DO NOT get up and go get coffee with a Chubby poking out
Rule #4: You DO NOT watch porn with a group of the same sex unless you are Gay
Rule #5: You DO NOT watch porn gay porn unless you are gay OR it's girl-on-girl action
Rule #6: You DO NOT watch porn AND then go practice some crazy shit on your mate without warning them (it took professionals years of stretching in order to fit THAT in THERE)
Rule #7: You DO NOT watch Animal Porn....and actually tell people about it.
(have some dignity)

There you have it...... The 7 sacred rules to watching porn.
Now go out into the world and watch all the porn you want.
Share the wonderful gift of porn with your neighbor.
....with your friend
...with your family
...with your co-workers
...with your local Hooters girls
And Most importantly ...with those Hott international girls at the coffee shop (it doesn't matter what language she speaks....porn speaks Body language, and that's internationally known.)

But DO NOT break the rules.

Enjoy it while you got....It won't be legal for long. (you can thank hypocritical preachers for that)

Don't judge me....Love me.

GTP-OUT

Battle Field

2011-04-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

The stage is set.....You can smell it in the air.

Something is coming.....
The streets are empty, churches have shut their doors, and even the Shake Junt is closed.
It must be something big.

Silence like this can only mean one thing......It's a battle coming, and it's coming pretty fast.

In times of war there are only two options....
1. Join THIS side
or
2. Join THAT side

There is no standing in between. Not unless you much rather chose death over choosing sides.
When you stand in the middle you have 2 enemies instead of 1.
So even though you have ties with THIS side, as long as you haven't joined them in the fight, you are a possible liability, and therefore need to be eliminated. They don't know if you are friend or Foe.

The same is true if you have ties with THAT side. Although you may still be friends with them, without your pledge of allegiance, you pose a serious threat to them because you wear a different uniform than they.
THERE IS NO NEUTRAL GROUND

You either fight or die.

So who's side do you choose? Do you choose the side that you like the best? OR Do you choose the side that has the best chances of winning?

How you answer that questions speaks volumes about the MAN or WOMAN you are.
It reveals if you are a loyal friend or an selfish opportunist who is always looking out for #1..Your ~~fucking~~ Tatering self.

The is a war coming people, and you better start thinking about which side you're on....
Because THERE IS NO NEUTRAL GROUND.

The Truth Can Set You Free

2011-04-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why people confess?
Regardless of who they confess to,(parent, partner, preacher, or police) it's all for the same reason.

You might think that someone is an honest, good-hearted person, who has decided to stand up and accept responsiblity for a wrong that they've done, but that is incorrect.
The truth of the matter is, that people no longer want to carry the burden of guilt within themselves.
Guilt, is like a tiny pebble falling on a persons spirit. The length of time that a person carries that guilt, is equivalent to the height from which the pebble is dropped above your spirit. The higher up the level from which the pebble drops, the harder it lands on the spirit.

You ever had a secret that weighed you down? Remember the feeling you had the day you finally told someone your secret? That's the feeling of freedom. Thats why they say "the truth shall set you free".......even though in actuality, it will probably get your ass locked in jail, so you exchange the freedom of you conscious for the freedom of you body.

"Iron Free" My Ass

2011-04-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning at a very specific time, in order to be at a very specific place, at a very specific moment. In order to stay on schedule, I always dream about what I am going to wear the next day, while I sleep the night before (I know that sounds weird, but whenever I pick out my clothes the night before, I always change my mind in the morning, so it is a waste of time to do it the night before).

I planned on wearing my black suit, with the baby blue shirt and tie combo.
So when I awoke, I went to the closet and pulled out the outfit, and that's where things began to go bad. I noticed that my "No Iron" shirt, was wrinkled as hell.

I was pissed, b/c it wasn't wrinkled in my dream and I didn't have time to iron it. So rather than be on time with a different outfit, I decided to iron the damn "No Iron" shirt and be late.

I know what you're thinking.....why didn't I just pick a different outfit?
Well, I am the most indecisive person when it comes to picking out clothes (that's why I have to dream about it the night before). Picking an alternate combo would have taken at least 30 mins, and that doesn't include putting it on.

So to you bitch ass, lying, dress shirt company's who falsely claim that your shirt is "Iron Free", "No Iron", or "Wrinkle Free".......and it isn't......

SAUCE YOU !!!!!!!!!

NATIONAL F-BOMB DAY

2011-04-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

Even though, they weren't there to visit me.....I still got to see an old friend from City Hall today, after they realized that the person they were looking for wasn't there. They told me that they had been reading my blog, and that they were worried about me. They asked if everything was alright....like I was dealing with some anger issues.
I said ....."No, I'm fine,.....Why?"
They said "well you sure have been dropping the "F" bomb a lot".

It got me thinking.........."humm, I wonder if I can write a blog without the "F" Bomb in it?"
So let's try.

This is going to be harder than I thought, because I already wanted to use it in my opening sentence. Truth is, I enjoy using the word ~~fu...~~ I mean Tater.

What the Tater are you looking at?

Tater is such a versatile word with a number of useful functions.
Tater can be used as a noun, proper noun, verb, and even an adjective. How many other words in the English language can you say that about, huh?

Here is an example:
Hey Tater face! Did you Tater my girl? What the Tater were you thinking? I was going to go home and get me a good Tater in before the game came on. The boss man said that he wanted the fence built yesterday, but I could give half a Tater about what he wants....Tater him.

See? Multi-functional......just like Tatering duck tape.

Thanks friend who came to visit someone besides me, but got stuck with me, and enlightened me about my use of the "F" bomb. See, now I learned that I don't always have to use the "F" bomb.....Now I can say Tater.

So Tomorrow, everybody pick a word to substitute for the "F" bomb, and use it the entire day. Especially at work cause it will be funny as hell that you're cussing and nobody will be the wiser.

I declare tomorrow "NATIONAL F-BOMB DAY"

I Bet You Won't

2011-04-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

Let me take you back for a moment.

Remember back in grade school when a group of kids would dare you to do something stupid? All it took was a "I dare you".......then an.. "I double dog dare you".....then comes the big "I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU".
Now, who in the hell can turn down a TRIPLE????

Well, now lets fast forward to the present "Adult Life" you live today. Have you ever wanted or needed to do something, but were too afraid to?
Well, I'm here to say to you......."I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU"

Go ahead, pussy. I bet you won't do it.
There are times in life when you need someone to stand beside you and hold your hand......and then there are times when you need someone to stand behind you and push you into the water. It could save your life.

So I am here, to give you all out there a love-shove.
If you are on the fence about a job change, get off and make a choice.

If you aren't happy with your life, then do something different.
If you only have one life to live, then why would you spend the majority of it wondering what you want to do?

I say "Fuck that".

If you don't seize the day, then the day is forever lost, because tomorrow will always become today, but yesterday will never be anything other than yesterday.

Someone once told me about my job, that is true in life......"Make a decision....it doesn't matter if it's a good one, or a bad one.....Just make a decision. The worst thing you can ever do is NOTHING".

So I leave you with that.
I pray that I have inspired someone to do something good in their life today.

Love, peace, and KFC chicken grease.

GTP..... Downstairs

Late to my own funeral

2011-04-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

It is a common saying among single men, that when a fellow "dick swinger" (male), is walking down the aisle to get hitched,....he is walking to his own funeral with "dick in hand" about to end life as he knows it.
I guess when you think about it.....it's almost the same thing.

They both usually take place in a church, with a preacher. The same people who are at your funeral, probably went to your wedding, and you show up to both, dressed in your best outfit, and more importantly, somebody is out of a shit load of money after both are over. Right?

I have never felt that way about marriage, but I can see their point.

Most women are nuts and it seems like God banished Satan to be forever tormented within the confines of a diamond.

***Originally, diamond rings were called demon rings, but in the late 1700's, clergy started calling them diamonds, so they could wear them too....FYI true story***
Somehow, when a woman puts the ring on, it unleashes a demon within......Almost like when you combine baking soda with Vinegar. You put one of them by themselves, and it's all good. But the second you put them two mother f*ckers together.....All hell breaks loose.

Before the ring

After the ring

But, I digress. ..
This blog is actually about the time that I was late to my own wedding but I was explaining why some guys called it a funeral, plus, I was just giving you some background info thats all.....FYI

So anyway, I actually got married at the courthouse initially. We had a ceremony later, but the legal marriage was downtown. We had a 10:00 appointment with this judge who looked like Judge Mabalean Ephrim from TV, and she wasn't a very happy looking lady.

Put it like this, if I was facing charges in her court room, I would represent myself and save the lawyer fees, cause this lady didn't look like she was a "wrist slapper"......naw.....she was definitely an "ass-kicker" if you know what I mean.

So I was so excited about getting married that I partied all night before in celebration of this joyous occasion.
Problem was, I partied too much. I was shit faced..

I was so shit faced that I didn't hear the alarm clock go off.

It wasn't until 9:15 that I woke up and realized that I was supposed to be in downtown Memphis in 45 mins, saying "I do".
I jumped up and practically pushed my "soon to be wife" out of the bed and told her we were late....and the race was on.
We got dressed in less than 15 mins, which left us exactly 30 mins to be in front of the judge. We got in the car and headed to the city. At the first light we came to, I noticed that the gas was low. My dad always told me that when the light comes on, you got about 15 miles left in the tank. Well, the light wasn't on yet, so I kept going.

Meanwhile at the courthouse, my brother, friends, and frat brothers, were already there calling us and trying to find out where the hell we were. I asked them to stall for me and told them we were in route.
I was driving at least 110mph on I-240 and right at Parkway, I noticed that my car was slowing down and I couldn't get it to go faster. I checked the gas gauge, and the light still hadn't come on yet. So after I was stuck on the side of the highway, I realized that the gas gauge was fucking broke, and the light didn't work either.

With 15 mins to spare, I called my brother and had him come pick us up.
We made it to the courthouse about 20 mins late and I had to take a verbal "bitch-slapping" from the judge and everyone else who was waiting on us.

I don't know what made me think about that story today. I was just driving and started laughing about it.
It may have not been the most "over the top", lavish wedding in the world,
But, one thing is for sure,
I will never forget the day I was late to my own funeral.

The Cat With The Hat

2011-04-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

Every super hero has their trademark prop that makes them unique.

Superman had the red cape and the "S" symbol. Thor had his magic hammer. Batman......Well, I guess he just had the whole "bat thing" going on with him.

There is this super cool cat that I know who has a magical hat. Whenever he wore this magic hat, he instantly turned into the worlds most interesting man. His words turned into commandments, his moves turned into art in motion.
How could a hat possess that type of power?
One time, I saw this guy talk 5 ladies into buying "HIM" a drink.
I can't even get my girl to buy me a drink.
Have you seen that "Dos Equis" (XX)commercial, with that James Bond looking guy?

Well this guy with the hat is him.
I bought a hat like the one he has and my wife told me I looked stupid and made me take it off.
You know, maybe the reason that she didn't like it, was because the minute I put the hat on, she felt her knees get weak from the magical power of "The HAT".

Damn, I can't believe I didn't realize that the hat was working it's magic. Oh well, I guess it's gone forever.....So to the cool cat, with the magic hat........We salute you.

I'm Not Mean.......I Just Don't Like You....That's All

2011-03-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

People have had the nerve to call me mean.
Can you believe that?...Me.....Mean?

I'm the nicest person I've ever met,...and I should know,
I've known me for a very long time buddy.

So someone's "friend" came up to me and told me

"So-N-So thinks you are sooo mean and stuck up?"

Well, let's play a game here, ...ok?
The name of the game is "let's pretend I give a fuck".
It's a really cool game and here's how you play it........ready?
First, we are going to make-believe that I really give a rat's ass about what you, your friend, or anybody else, for that matter, thinks about me.

Second, after I tell you how I feel about it, you're gonna go "run n tell dat" back to ya lil "friend" and tell them, "verbatim", exactly what I tell you.

Sounds easy, right?
Ok.

If I gave a fuck about what so-N-so said, I would tell them that I am not a mean person. They got it all wrong. .....
*1*See the reason why they think that I am mean, is because no matter what they are saying to me, I instantly stop listening and get on the phone when it rings, without even saying "excuse me".
*2*They think I'm mean because whenever they have a question for me, I am always on the phone and I never have time to hear them out.
*3*They think that I'm stuck up because every time they reach to shake my hand, I give them a good ole fist bump instead.
*4*They think that I'm stuck up because I take two steps away from them every time they take one towards me.

If I gave a fuck, I would lie and tell you to tell them that...
*1*I was a very busy man
*2*I was expecting a phone call from the Senator about a government grant for the station
*3*I Had a very bad cut on my hand and didn't want to spread any germs
*4*I Had the flu and was keeping away to protect others around me.

But since I really don't give a fuck, the truth of the matter is:
*1*I set my alarm to go off anytime I see them coming my way, so I have an excuse to leave.
*2*If I don't have time to set the alarm before they get there, I pretend the phone just rang and answer it.
*3*At some point in the day, I plan on eating, and I don't think they make Sanitizer strong enough to wash their funk off of my hands.
*4*Their breath smells like they had some Meth-burgers and washed it down with blue, septic lemonade from the port-a-john.

See, By not telling their nasty ass this, I was "being nice", but apparently, some people can't handle niceness.
And I'm not stuck up....but my nose is whenever they come around with they stankin azz.
So Run-N-Tell that Homeboy,........Run-N-Tell That.

I tried to be nice, and this is the thanks I get......uhhhhhhhh!

Don't You Feel Like a Dumb Ass?

2011-03-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

So years ago, me and my homie from high school, decided to go into business together. It seemed like a good decision at the time and we were both pretty dependable people. We never got rich off the company, but we managed to keep it above water. That is at least until this recent recession hit that has been destroying the economy.
So me and my business partner were having a discussion about the poor sale figures that the company was experiencing and how the future wasn't looking very promising. The discussion turned into an argument, and the argument turned into a full out fight and we began to place blame for the failing business on one another.
They felt that I wasn't being patient enough to give the stats time to improve and I felt that they weren't fully vested in the company and that's why sales sucked.

So after realizing that the fight was going no where, we just ended the conversation.
So as a peace offering, I decided to be the bigger man and send them a text saying what's up and asking what they were watching.

I never heard from them. So I said "fuck it" and went on with my day.

Everybody that knows me, knows that I don't just forget about things...when I'm upset.
They just boil and fester within me like a volcano waiting to erupt.

So hours later, my homie finally hits me up via text and asks me "what would you do?"
I was already pissed about the previous decisions that got our business in the negative in the first place, so this question finally gave me an opportunity to get it all out and tell them how I felt about all the choices they had made concerning the company.

So after writing a Hella-long text about every thing I felt they had done wrong up to that point, I decided to wait a while before I sent it.
Thankfully, before I sent it, I found out that "what would you do?" wasn't a fucking question..........
It was just a late as hell response to my original text of "what are you watching?".. Apparently, "what would you do?" is the name of a fucking TV show.

Now Don't I feel like a dumb ass?

Good thing I kept my finger off the send button. .....I guess.
or maybe not?....IDK

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

2011-03-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

Quitters never win, and winners never quit...... That's what coach Frost used to always tell me ( i guess that's why he never gave up smoking, he didn't want to be called a quitter). That was my track coach back in high school. You know, I have never really enjoyed running until later on in my life when it became a stress releaser, but there was never a time that I had stopped to rest during a run before 2005.

No matter how bad it hurt, I never quit going. I couldn't allow myself to quit.

That day in 2005 changed my life forever.
It was a regular sunny day, but quite hot outside. I was about 1.5 miles into a 2 mile run and for the first time in my life up to that point, I just stopped running and began to walk. I was hurting a little bit, but no more than any other run. Something inside me just said..."fuck it". So I just walked the rest of the way home.

The reason why that day was so pivotal in my life was because from that day on, I realized that I could just give up if I didn't want to keep going.
Before that day, quitting was never an option. Walking was never an option.
After that day, I found myself questioning if I could keep going when times got tough, or if it began to hurt.
I noticed that I found myself giving up at things I never would have given up at.
It completely changed my life.

If all you know is winning, then winning is all you will do.
But the moment you let the thought of losing enter your mind, you will bring it into existence.

I regret that day in 2005, when I quit running. I wish I could take it back.
I have quit many things since then because I learned that I "could quit".

I have spent the last few years of my life trying to get back to that point in my life where quitting is not an option. I am almost there, but there are many times that I simply want to quit.

If I can just push through that last 1/2 mile that I didn't 6 years ago, maybe one day I can once again be a Winner.

SEARCHING FOR GOLDENEYE????

2011-03-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Goldeneye,

I must respectfully say to you out of genuine concern....... WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO?

As one of your biggest fans, I must also let you know how big of a disappoint you have been in the last few weeks, months......the whole year in fact. For years, I have looked to you for motivation, inspiration, and guidance....and now you simply disappear!!!!!!!

With great power, comes responsibility, and you dear sir, have an obligation to continue to cast a light upon the darkness known as ignorance. I check back everyday with the hope that I will find a new post ..and everyday I am let down. How many fucking times can a person read about people staying together for the freaking kids????

News flash..."YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY KIDS........YOUR LIFE IS DISFUNCTIONAL"

Why don't you talk about something you do have? Why don't you tell us how you really feel? Isn't that how you began your blog years ago??????? Just Saying what's on you twisted little mind.

I remember the good ole days, when you used to write about some great fucking topics. I used to spend hours rolling on the floor, tickled to death about your blogs. .......Now, I want my fucking money back. Who cares that it's a free site. I feel like you should pay me to read your recent shit.

We want the old you back. Where are your balls? Did you donate them to the Easter bunny for the up coming hunts next month?

I'd rather read Charlie Sheen's rants about being a winner. Maybe you should have a cup of what he's having, cause it's obvious that you need something.

If you don't want to be friends anymore after reading me bash you like this, then I understand.

It takes a true friend to tell you what you need to hear and I'm not sure you have any because I'm the only one real enough to tell you this.

Just cause you get knocked off the horse, doesn't mean you have to stay on the ground.

The Goldeneye I knew, would get back up, call that horse a mother fucker, and ride that bitch to the ground.......or shoot it.......either option works.

Excuses are tools of the incompetent, used to build monuments of nothingness,.......those who use them, seldom amount to anything else but an EXCUSE.

Stop being a fucking excuse.

Why do people stay in bad relationships just for the Kids?

2011-02-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

Inquiring minds have asked the above question.

I know you that you won't believe what I am about to say, but.....
I don't really know the answer to this question. Well, at least not from experience.

However, I know plenty of people who do and this is their response.

When a marriage or relationship has hit the rocks and the ship is sinking, under normal circumstances, the response is simple........JUMP SHIP AND SWIM FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!

Now,.....If you were to throw some kids on that same sinking ship, everything changes. You no longer can swim for your life.......now you have to decide who is going to swim with the kids on their back and still manage to stay above water.

Men and women stay in relationships involving children for different reasons.
Many of the men I know, grew up in one parent homes and rarely, if ever, saw their biological fathers. They have experienced the pain of growing up as a man without one there to show him the way. Let's be honest, a woman is completely capable of raising a boy into a man all by herself. Shit....most men today were raised by only women and turned out just fine (others, had a little more sugar in the tank than normal, but hey....everybody loves Kool-aid right?).

But there is no substitute for a strong male figure in a young boys life. The same is true for a young girls life as well.

It is for this reason that many men stay in loveless relationships. They do not want their kids to go through what they did......."a fatherless childhood".

Please don't completely buy into the bullshit just yet.
There are many men, who are only concerned with how society will view them if they leave. They like to walk around town, bragging about how good of a father they are how they hold it down for their kids.
("WHISTLE")------Bullshit flag.
15 yard penalty, repeat 4th down.
These conceded mutha f*ckas, use their kids to make themselves look good. They buy them nice things like clothes, toys, and video games.......

but tell me this..
When was the last time that "great father" showed up to a recital, huh, or to a parent teacher conference, huh???

Ask him if he knows what his kids are into.

I am sure he shows up to all the events where pictures are going to be taken though.
If he really cared about staying together for the kids, then he wouldn't be next door at Ms. Parker's house getting some milk and cookies, would he. No, he'd have his ass at home making milk and cookies for his family.

Now lets get to these women.
Most women are naturally instilled with the compassion and bond with their children that will never allow them to leave. Many of them are willing to stay in a relationship no matter how terrible or even abusive it is to them, for the sake of allowing their kids to keep on believing that "they are one big happy family".

They will trade their happiness for their children any day, and putting up with a broken marriage is a small price to pay if it makes their children happy.

Please don't completely buy into the bullshit just yet.
They are many women who are only concerned with keeping their man in their lives, so they use the kids to keep them around. There are other women, who are only concerned with how much money they can squeeze out of a relationship. These are the women who are responsible for the word "Bitch" applying to more than just dogs. They use the kids as pawns in a game, where they manipulate the men in their lives to get whatever they want. If the man wants to leave and gain full custody of the kids, she will pretend that she wants them in order to negotiate the highest possible alimony settlement she can get.

So there you have it.
There are many reasons why people stay in bad relationships, just for the kids.
I hope that whatever situation you may be going through, it is truly for the kids. Other wise, I am more than happy to donate some prayers in your honor.
I hope I never have to go through it.

Love, Peace, and KFC Chicken Grease.

Why do men cheat, if they claim to love you?

2011-02-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

This is one of my 2009 blogs before operation "shut-down", was initiated.
I was recently re-asked the same question, so I reposted the answer.

Hottie tottie yall,

I have been asked to enlighten a patron of the blog on how or why do men cheat if they claim to love you.

As usual, there are multiple reasons and explanations for the phenomenon, but I will simplify it by giving you the 2 main ones.

The first is obvious, but always overlooked.......

That Mutha F***ker dont love Yo Azz!!!!

For the second, I must dig a little deeper into my bag of promotional pamphlets, given to all card holding members of the exclusive "Man Club".

First of all ladies, I need you to take a few necessary precautions.

-You must first kick off those expensive, fashionable, 3-6 inch stilettos and replace them with some comfortable camouflage hiking boots.

-you must put your hair into a bun or wrap it very tightly so it doesn't get filthy.

-Take off all that wonderful make-up and apply a generous amount of camo face paint. Green, brown, and black preferably, but what ever you can find will suffice.

-Instead of that imported, designer, fragrance that you probably can't pronounce correctly, apply a sh*t load of "deep woods Off" bug repellent. If it doesn't say "Deep Woods" then you might as well be putting on some "Come on you blood-sucking mosquito's, I love to have my blood drained and take it in the stomach with some of that sexy Yellow Fever Sh*t".

Now that you are prepared to venture deep into the uncharted jungle of the illusive "man", I will lead you to the knowledge you seek.

To understand this very complex matter, you must think, not as a complicated female, but as a primitive animal.

I am sure that you are familiar with the term "A dog is a man's best friend". They are best friends because they have a lot in common.

There are many laws in the world to govern the acts of all. However, there is one law that supersedes all others and can not be controlled or underestimated. This is the law of nature.

Like dogs, a man's natural survival skills are to:

hunt for food.....Seek shelter.... and reproduce.

In these skills lie a man's heavenly gifts and his devilish curse.

Women and men are not built the same. A man is capable of keeping his heart and his d*ck in separate compartments that will never affect the other.

Some women are capable of doing the same with their respective parts, but society casts the negative labels of "hoe" or "slut" on these women.

The only thing that separates a man from a wild beast is his conscience and ability to reason.

When a man is truly in love with a woman, he can use his reasoning capabilities to resist the temptations of his natural impulsion's. But like I said earlier, the laws of nature are the strongest laws in the land and are hard to go against. When a man cheats on a woman he loves, it is rarely an act of a new found love. It is more of a reflection of how weak he is to resist the call of nature.

Please don't get it twisted!!!!!! I am, in no way, shape, or form, condoning his indiscretions. I am only letting you know how it is possible for him to claim to love you and hurt you so bad.

If you are with a true, primitive form of a man, then he will lack all signs of having a conscience. He will never feel any type of remorse or guilt.
The fact that you missed the clues that you were dealing with a true "dog", is partly a reflection of your poor judgement in character and you will get no pity from me.

If you with a more refined man, he will not be able to carry the burden of knowing that he has betrayed you and he will poor his heart out to you, begging for forgiveness.

Not, all dogs go to heaven.
Not, all men cheat.

I was merely answering the question of "Why do men cheat, if they claim to love you?"
I would ask women why they cheat, but I don't think the answer will be honest.

How to catch a guy in 2 ways!!

2011-01-19T12:58:00.000-08:00

I haven't had time to do a new post this week, so I went back 2 years for you.

Don't worry, if you have read it before, you will enjoy it even more the second time. Kinda like when you watch an awesome movie twice. You pick up tiny important details that you missed the first time.

I'm Back Bitches !

I know that my greeting is a little bit more "G'd up" than my normal introduction, but I thought I would change it up a bit. I have been shut down for 6 months, but never fear............Goldeneye is back along with all of his infinite wisdom. ( Humble huh???)

Today's topic is how to catch a guy in 2 ways...... I am certain that you are all too familiar with the movie " How to loose a man in 10 days". The strategies used in this movie is very true, and if you have soo many penis options in your life that you are trying to down-size, then I recommend using those methods.

However, I have found that the majority of women in today's society are trying to get and keep a man, rather than get rid of one.

Therefore, I am about to teach you how to capture one of these magnificent creatures.

The process can be simplified into two strategies.

- The first, is to seduce his mind

- The second, is to seduce his body

If you are a woman who seeks comfort in the belief that beauty is more than skin deep, then I would suggest that you use the first approach. Do not attempt to use your body or skimpy clothes to attract your mate. You should set your sights on his mind.

When using this method, it is vital that you play mind tricks on your simple minded victim and use his intellectual, vulnerability to your advantage. To seduce a man's brain, all you need to do is convince him that he his a sexual God, and if you were his woman, he would never forget it.

Once you have implanted this thought into his pea-sized brain, he will be in constant meditation of your secret capabilities. He will over look all of your physical short-comings and focus on the effortless, pleasures that you would provide without the slightness signs of pride or limitations a super model might show. He will come to the realization that every woman has the same, exact, mouth, and vagina.

When there is no light, there is no difference between Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Hudson. They're both just Jennifer.

With the simple use of satin ropes, or fuzzy hand cuffs, you eliminate the since of touch and destroy all differentiations of fat and skinny.

The phone is your friend...........

If you can get him "whipped" by filling his head with mental pictures of your next meeting, using words over the phone, then all you have to do is show up.The physical part is easy.

A woman's sex appeal is mostly derived from the way she carries herself. If an elephant believes that it is the most beautiful animal on the earth and acts that way without coming off as conceded, then so will the rest of the world.

-If you are one of the few, who are naturally blessed with a gorgeous face and a perfect body, then I would suggest that you focus on his body.

If you got it, Flaunt it...

No matter how smart you are, a man will never see past that magnificent ass of yours. You can complain all flipping day about men not respecting your mind, but face it lady; They will never respect you for being an intellectual. I am sure that you do not have any problems with attracting a man, but I am sure that you may have some trouble keeping him.

The reason for this is that, eventually, after a man has tapped that, he realizes that you are the same as any other female and your looks and body no longer matter. Beneath that shallow shell of a body, lies a nagging, insecure, bitch, who needs to have her ego stroked on a daily basis.

If you want to catch and keep a man, you must never let yourself go.

You must maintain your physique, and do the same things you were doing when you met him. Many women tend to believe when they get a man, they have succeeded and can relax.

WRONG!!!!!!!!

If you used your looks to get him, then, it is only by your looks can you expect to keep him.

It is really a losing battle, because eventually, we all lose are young, sexy, looks and are left with who we are beneath.

God rarely gives everything to one person and typically, good looks, comes at the cost of brains.
This is not true in all cases, just the majority.

So if you are butt ugly, don't worry, eventually the others will catch up to you. You have the advantage in this battle because the man who loves you, truly loves you.
The others are doomed for a rude awakening.

Goldeneye

Is it any less wrong to think something and not say it???

2011-01-13T14:11:00.000-08:00

Here is a question for you......

If you are a racist, sexist, or any other bigot with an "ist" at the end of the word, but you never display or say negative things about the people you loath, does that make you better than those who have the balls to say it:?

In other words......do you actually have to say something out loud for it to be wrong?

Please don't write me off as your friend for this......If you do, then you are saying that you would rather have a fake enemy than an honest friend.
I will be completely honest with you an admit that I have a problem. Although, I know that it is wrong and absolutely unfunny, I am tickled to death by retarded people and jokes about them.
Not the retards I work with,

Love the hat

but real retarded people.

I know we all probably have a mentally handicapped person who is close to us or even in our families, and wish death upon anyone who would ever mock or laugh at their situation. But this is why I write on these blogs....To talk about issues that people aren't comfortable talking about in public. Even if we never discuss these issues face to face, sometimes it's good to at least look within and ask yourself how you really feel when no body's looking.

So, I was driving down the road and I thought to myself, just because I never tell anybody this about me, does it make it any better. Then I started to wonder, how many other people out there felt the same way I did.
I mean when someone tells a terrible joke about a retarded person, my first inclination is to think and say...."that's so wrong, You are going to hell for that one asshole".
But I would be lying if I told you that when I got a chance to be alone, I wasn't rolling on the floor at the mental image of the joke.
I know damn well that I am not the only who thinks that shit is funny.....but ya'll don't have the honesty to come forward and say "that shit was funny".
Even if the joke, it-self, wasn't that funny, my over-active brain can actually project an image in my head of the person licking the bus window, or beating their chest with the crooked hand, screaming "I want Marsh Mellows".

Keeping with that principle, I want bring up a similar situation.
My mom always told us growing up that saying a word like "dang" or "darn" was the same as cussing.
"God, doesn't see the difference and neither do I"..is what she would say right before we got a beat down for it.

Don't you say that word boy

I guess I eventually bought into it, because I realized that she was right.
When you get your penis caught in your zipper, you express how you feel about the pain right?

If I say "SHIT" and you say "SHOOT", is there really a difference in the meaning?
Fuck No!!!!
It's the same thing.

So from now on, when you "Christian" people condemn others for cussing,cursing, or taking the lords name in vain.

Think about what you are really saying when you say "Dang Nammit" or "Dog Gonint"
You are replacing that for "God Damn it" and don't you forget it.
So you can put that in your persnickety pipe and smoke it.

With that said,....If you are going to get charged for the sin, you might as well do it to the fullest. God doesn't see a difference between Damn and Dang...Fuck and Freak,....Shit and Shoot....Bull Shit and Crap.

Plus, you tend to lose that "Wow Effect" by using alternate cuss words.
It's like going to Kroger and picking out something to eat that isn't good for you.
You have a choice between the "Name Brand" and the "Kroger Brand".......but in this case, everything cost the same.... A sin, is a sin, is a sin.
Why not get the good stuff???

How can someone take you seriously when you threaten to go over there and "freaking" kick their "butt" (ha ha ha lame)
I'm sure they are shaking in their "freaking" boots.

You Can't Microwave Love

2011-01-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

Parents make the comment that "they wish the kid would just hurry and grow up, already".

I know they don't really mean it, but deep down inside, a part of them wishes that they could just fast forward to the good part....you know?? Past the eat, drink, shit, sleep, then repeat, stage of childhood.

Lonely hearts, feel the same way about love. They wish that it could just finally come to their door step and be already fully cooked and ready to eat.

Fully Cooked Love on the Way

Truth is, as much as we enjoy the convenience of a quick micro waved dinner, there is absolutely nothing better than the taste of mom's home cooking that took hours of preparation. Right?

By cooking the food on low-medium heat for hours, you allow all of the deep, rich, flavors to find their way to the surface. You also allow the impurities to be released, leaving only behind, what is good.

Meat cooked on low heat will be, ever so tender and simply fall off the bone. The extra cook time, gives the salt an opportunity to seek out the meats strongest point, and then massage it into obedient submission.

The low heat of the fire, serves as a sauna, and slowly melts the muscles into tender pieces of heaven.

When you cook meat over high heat, you sacrifice flavor, texture, aroma, and the over all quality of the meat.

The outside is the first to cook, and it cooks pretty damn fast on high heat.

Just like love,

...usually, the first part to heat up is the outside.

It's what you see first,

It's what attracted you, isn't it?

But like meat, If you turn the heat up too high on love, you will have a relationship that is hot on the outside, but cold and raw within.

And everybody knows what happens when you eat uncooked meat.

So next time you decide to eat some Ramen Noodles,....Try putting them on the stove instead of throwing it in the micro wave.

I guarantee you will notice a difference.

The Same Is True With Love

The First Kiss

2011-01-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

As I get older, I notice that more and more things suddenly become less and less important in life.
This realization, got me thinking about my more happy days on this earth and things that really made me feel good.
Of those things, I don't think there is anything that made me feel more alive than...."The First Kiss".
I'm not talking about your very first kiss ever.....I'm talking about the first time you kissed each person.
Unlike most people I know, I can remember the first time I kissed each person that I have ever kissed.
With that being said, it is safe to assume that my list isn't that long.

What about you?
Can you remember the feeling you had right before you kissed someone for the first time?
With me, it was kind of like being on SPEED or CRACK....

My heart would race 1000 beats per second and my mind and body were never on the same page.
My head was like..."Do it, Do it.......don't be a pussy.....Do it Damn it"
My body was like...."Uh uh, I'm scared....what if she pulls away....what if I'm moving too fast"

This battle would go on for hours, days, and in some serious cases where I really like the girl, months.

The cheesiest thing I ever did, was to steal a kiss.

Kiss In A Bag

I can't believe I did that. It was soooooo corny, that I knew she was in love with me, because she continued to talk to me.
It took me forever to kiss this, one girl. She was like a chalk board with a foreign language written on it.....She was impossible to read.
So one summer night, we were standing outside her house looking at the stars and marveling at how clear the night was and how bright the night sky seemed.
I couldn't help but notice how beautiful her eyes were when the moonlight hit them just right. I found an excuse for her to have to look up at the big dipper in the sky, and when she did, I positioned myself to be in perfect position for a quick smoocharoo.

Sure enough, after being unable to locate the constellation in the sky, she turned her head towards me, and got a consolation prize.

Now either her peripheral vision sucked, or she saw me there and played dumb. but, I still got the kiss.
I couldn't believe how I stooped to such pitiful tactics, but I was sure glad that I did. It finally broke the proverbial "ice".

Don't you ever miss that electrical spark in a relationship?
Someone told me that those sparks were like a bag of Pop-Rocks?
They said:
"if your relationship is like Pop Rocks all I can say is eat them slowly, make them last, enjoy the aftertaste, and if you want more bang for your buck mix it with soda… but with caution."

What's the corniest thing you ever did to get that first kiss?
You know where to find me.......hit me on the G-Mail
If you want me to, I will post about it....otherwise it will remain safe and secure in the GTP Storage facility.

Love, Peace, and KFC Chicken Grease

Goldeneye- Out

Crack Heads....Got to love em'

2010-12-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in Subway with (2 time-world-fart-champion) Micheal White, thinking to myself......"the world is such a cruel and selfish place".
Just then, a lady came through the door, walking at a rather brisk pace.

She walked straight up to the counter and politely asked for a free cup, so that she could get some ice.
The subway girl (aka, sandwich constructor, as they call themselves) happily obliged her with the cup, which gave me the impression that this was not her first time in there to ask for a cup and some ice.

So when the lady turns her head, I realize that "I know this woman"......It was my coolest, funniest, bestest, highest, crack head, friend in the world.
It was Diane.

You fellas looking for some milk and cookies??

I love Diane.....she always brightens up my day.
No matter if she was going to jail,..... got hit by a car and kept walking,....... or most recently, attacked by a pit bull and kept on truckin like nothing happened, Diane would always make a peace sign and say to me..."Peace and Love Mr. Scooter....Peace and Love". Shit, I don't even bother to tell her that I'm not Scooter. I've been telling her that for 5 years now.

So anyway, after she got her ice, she turned and saw me in the corner.
At first, I was wondering why she had a suspicious look on her face, but when I looked at her right arm, I found out why.
In her arm was a brown paper bag with something heavy it. I figured it was a bottle of cheap as liquor to boost the effects of her Crack-r-jacks. So I jokingly said "hey Diane,.....are you not going to share?"

She replied....."you don't drink beer, do you?"

I said...."Beer???.....Why do you need ice for beer?" (while thinking to myself, "especially since you just bought it cold from a store".)

She replied...."It make it last longer" and then exited the store.

As I was sitting there contemplating how the process of watering down, "watered down beer" could produce anything else besides "yellow water", Diane quickly returned to the store and stuck her head in and said something that made my day.

She said, "Oh yeah, I know you not Mr. Scooter, but I can't remember yo name" ......and quickly left the store with the ice cup in the left hand, the beer in the right........and God knows what, in her purse.....But I have a good idea.

It only took five years for her to figure that out...........yayyyyyy.

Only In Mississippi

2010-12-29T13:59:00.000-08:00

Lady's and gentlemen.......

From the wonderful state that brought you "hell naw you don't need no permit to carry a damn gun in ya truck"...

The state of Mississippi proudly brings to you, her crown jewel of gifts......

Now, you can purchase ammunition over-the-counter at the F*&king Gas Station !!

Seriously?

This is no joke. I took this picture at the gas station today because I didn't think anyone would believe me when I told them the news.

Holy shit.......At a gas station??? Really?

So I guess this makes the profession of being a cop drop down about 7 slots on the list of "most dangerous jobs" and makes the job of being a cashier at a gas station jump 5 slots to #1.

Can you imagine what that is going to be like now???

I can, and I am going to put you in some possible situations and you tell me what you would do. Ok? Lets begin.

So you're working the register on the mid-night shift at the local Quicky Mart........slow night......you're pretending to read a sports magazine, when actually, you have the Kim Kardashian Playboy edition tucked inside where customers can't see.

Out of nowhere,.......enters this guy.

"you stupid, little............."

Just as he's walking in he say's to the person on the phone...."We'll see about that b*tch....Just wait till I get my hands on you" and then slams the phone on the floor shattering it into a million pieces.

Then, he gathers his composer and greets you warmly..."hey there, how ya doin this evening?"

You give a confused ass nod and say "umm fine"

Now you get hit with those magic words........"Give me a pack of smokes, a case of beer, ....and a box of your Winchester .40 caliber rounds........on second thought, let me get 2 of dem."

.......What do you do?

Now lets rewind that scenario a little. We'll stick with the same job, shift, and magazine(s), but we are going to change the person who is about to walk into the store.

So this time around, out of nowhere,........enters this guy.

First my wife, then my job,...now my feefee.Why.....?

This guy walks in and he can't say a f*cking thing because he is balling his heart out.....I mean tears everywhere.

After about a minute, he calms down and apologizes for making a scene.

Now you get hit with those magic words........"can I please have a note pad, a pen.......and a box of your Remington .45 caliber rounds.......oh, and some Tylenol?"

.....What do you do?

I'll tell you what you should do.....If that mother F&%(er comes back five minutes after leaving the store and asks you for the bathroom key,......You better go ahead and call for a clean up on aisle 4, cause it's about to get messy.

And finally,

The last scenario.

Once again, everything starts out the same, with the only difference being, the person who enters the store.

So this time around, out of nowhere,........enter these guys.

Twiddle "G" & Twiddle "Dumb"

So Twiddle "G" and Twiddle "Dumb" come in looking like they just left an audition for extras in the upcoming movie "Malibu's Most Wanted 2".

Now you get hit with those magic words........" Yo dawg...let me get 2 40's.........that's 1 malt liquor and 1 Winchester slug yo.......naw dawg, not 1 box.....1 bullet....gone throw in a box of rubbers while you at it".

....What do you do?

Do You Have the Strength to Let Go???

2010-12-24T06:20:00.000-08:00

When you hear the word strength, most people envision a muscular, athlete, who could probably rip a man's arm off with one hand, while drinking a cold ass beer with the other.

......Well, that's what I think of when I hear that word.

Besides the occasional dismemberment of people, strength is also necessary for maintaining a good relationship with significant others.

It takes much more than glue and love to hold it together. Over the years, a relationship will have its fair share of fights and arguments. Sometimes, one of the partners will reach their tolerance limit and decide to call it quits.

THIS is the point where you need to dig deep within yourself and find true strength. The problem with most couples is that they are afraid to let the other person go. They use their strength to hold on to their loved one as if life itself depended on it.

No matter how strong you are, you can never hold another persons heart against their will.

Therefore, if you truly want someone to stay and love you, you must allow him or her to leave and chose to come back on their own. Rap artist, Kanye' West, asked the question, "do you have the power to let power go?. Can you find the strength needed to let him/her walk out the door?

It is a very common saying that "you never know what you've got till it's gone". Sometimes, you have to let your loved one experience life without you in order for them to realize how much they need and want you in their lives. Although the majority of people in relationships believe that fighting to save a sinking ship is a display of strength,

you are one of the few who have been enlightened, as to what true strength really is....having the power to let go!

With all of the single, intelligent, and beautiful women out there, why is it so hard for love to find them?

2010-12-22T11:59:00.000-08:00

Today, the jackpot for the Tennessee Mega Millions lottery, is at a whopping 168 million dollars. Although the odds of you holding the winning ticket in your hands right, this moment, are extremely slim, there is still a possibility that you could be a winner.

But if you don't purchase a ticket.....then there is a 100% chance that you will NOT WIN.

"Love" is like a lottery jackpot. If you don't put yourself in a position to win it.......You can't.

Most women today, are what I would like to call "Modern Women".

They are concerned about their future and career very much, and as a result, they invest most of their time and efforts into school and then their jobs.

After growing up in a new era where everyone tells girls at a young age, "don't worry about chasing these boys girl....you get your career first, then you get your man",

when you finally get your nose out of the books and step outside your office, into the social world, you notice that most of the good ones are gone.

If your daily routine consists of waking up, going to work, going home, going to sleep, and then repeat....... you are definitely not purchasing a lottery ticket for the Love jackpot.

There are tons of Men out there looking for the same thing. You just got to put yourself in a position to bump into the right guy.

Stuck up, egotistical, divas, are the reason that love is so hard to find good women out there.

Men, who were once confident, considerate, and loving, have been worn down by years of unnecessary, cold-hearted, rejections by self-absorbed b*tches, who bittered the taste buds in most men's mouth.

Go F Yourself A$$hole. I'm too good for you

So now, when that "good man" sees you, he either thinks twice about approaching you......or simply makes a left on aisles 3 when you're approaching aisles 5 to avoid the predicament.

The days of old are over. If you are gonna sit on your ass and pray for God to send you a man without putting in some work of your own, then it's going to be a cold winter for you sister.

If you see someone that you want, at least go over there and introduce yourself. That is a subtle way of letting him know that you're interested and putting the burden of pursuit entirely on him.

There are a few "less than subtle" tricks you can do as well, but I can't be held responsible if you are that ~~crazy~~.. bold.

1). Gently bump into his vehicle with yours........This will force him to talk with you and exchange contact information. But this can eventually turn out to be a rather expensive way to meet men. It might be cheaper to use an online dating site.

Here's my number.....give me a call

2). Drop something on the floor that has your information on it........Like a book or something with your contact info on it....Like...."if found please call______________@ 555-5555"

(catch my drift). Drawback to this, is that your item may be picked up by the wrong person, and you will have successfully added a stalker to your life.

So if you are trying to find that ever illusive thing called love,

you have to put your name in the hat and put yourself in a position to find it.

You can't just go to the lake and sit on the bank, with hopes of catching the "big one". You've got to cast out the line in your fishing pole and be patient. If you use the right bait, you will catch your fish.

Good luck, and may Santa bring you all that you ask for.