Only In Mississippi

Lady's and gentlemen.......

From the wonderful state that brought you "hell naw you don't need no permit to carry a damn gun in ya truck"...

The state of Mississippi proudly brings to you, her crown jewel of gifts......

Now, you can purchase ammunition over-the-counter at the F*&king Gas Station !!

Seriously?

This is no joke. I took this picture at the gas station today because I didn't think anyone would believe me when I told them the news.

Holy shit.......At a gas station???   Really?

So I guess this makes the profession of being a cop drop down about 7 slots on the list of "most dangerous jobs" and makes the job of being a cashier at a gas station jump 5 slots to #1.

Can you imagine what that is going to be like now???

I can, and I am going to put you in some possible situations and you tell me what you would do.  Ok? Lets begin.

So you're working the register on the mid-night shift at the local Quicky Mart........slow night......you're pretending to read a sports magazine, when actually, you have the Kim Kardashian Playboy edition tucked inside where customers can't see.

Out of nowhere,.......enters this guy.

"you stupid, little............."

Just as he's walking in he say's to the person on the phone...."We'll see about that b*tch....Just wait till I get my hands on you" and then slams the phone on the floor shattering it into a million pieces.

Then, he gathers his composer and greets you warmly..."hey there, how ya doin this evening?"

You give a confused ass nod and say "umm fine"

Now you get hit with those magic words........"Give me a pack of smokes, a case of beer, ....and a box of your Winchester .40 caliber rounds........on second thought, let me get 2 of dem."

.......What do you do?

Now lets rewind that scenario a little. We'll stick with the same job, shift, and magazine(s), but we are going to change the person who is about to walk into the store.

So this time around, out of nowhere,........enters this guy.

First my wife, then my job,...now my feefee.Why.....?

This guy walks in and he can't say a f*cking thing because he is balling his heart out.....I mean tears everywhere.

After about a minute, he calms down and apologizes for making a scene.

Now you get hit with those magic words........"can I please have a note pad, a pen.......and a box of your Remington .45 caliber rounds.......oh, and some Tylenol?"

.....What do you do?

I'll tell you what you should do.....If that mother F&%(er comes back five minutes after leaving the store and asks you for the bathroom key,......You better go ahead and call for a clean up on aisle 4, cause it's about to get messy. 

And finally,

The last scenario.

Once again, everything starts out the same, with the only difference being, the person who enters the store.

So this time around, out of nowhere,........enter these guys.

Twiddle "G"   &     Twiddle "Dumb"

So Twiddle "G" and Twiddle "Dumb" come in looking like they just left an audition for extras in the upcoming movie "Malibu's Most Wanted 2".

Now you get hit with those magic words........" Yo dawg...let me get 2 40's.........that's 1 malt liquor and 1 Winchester slug yo.......naw dawg, not 1 box.....1 bullet....gone throw in a box of rubbers while you at it".

....What do you do?

Do You Have the Strength to Let Go???

When you hear the word strength, most people envision a muscular, athlete, who could probably rip a man's arm off with one hand, while drinking a cold ass beer with the other.

......Well,  that's what I think of when I hear that word.

 Besides the occasional dismemberment of people, strength is also necessary for maintaining a good relationship with significant others.

 It takes much more than glue and love to hold it together. Over the years, a relationship will have its fair share of fights and arguments. Sometimes, one of the partners will reach their tolerance limit and decide to call it quits. 

THIS is the point where you need to dig deep within yourself and find true strength. The problem with most couples is that they are afraid to let the other person go. They use their strength to hold on to their loved one as if life itself depended on it. 

No matter how strong you are, you can never hold another persons heart against their will.

 Therefore, if you truly want someone to stay and love you, you must allow him or her to leave and chose to come back on their own. Rap artist, Kanye' West, asked the question, "do you have the power to let power go?. Can you find the strength needed to let him/her walk out the door?

  It is a very common saying that "you never know what you've got till it's gone". Sometimes, you have to let your loved one experience life without you in order for them to realize how much they need and want you in their lives. Although the majority of people in relationships believe that fighting to save a sinking ship is a display of strength, 

you are one of the few who have been enlightened, as to what true strength really is....having the power to let go!

What is Love?

To Whom it may concern:

Greetings and salutations,

I have written this letter to humbly admit that I, maybe,,,,,,,,possibly,,,,,,,,....Well...... There might be a teeny,tiny, microscopic, chance that, I do not know everything. With that being said, I ask this question:

-Is "LOVE" a gift or a curse?

How can this four-letter-word cause soo many emotions and transformations?

I have seen LOVE as a gift.... Wrapped in sheets, loaned from heaven, made of strands from the clouds.

I have seen LOVE as a curse......Draped with the chains of a slave, made from metal in the ground.

Is LOVE a wolf in sheeps clothing, or a sheep, surrounded by wolves? Is it a predator, licking its chops before the kill or a lonely, lost, soul, in need of a shepard.

Are you a soldier of Satan OR a crusader of Christ?

Or are you a paid mercenary who whores his services out to the highest bidder each year?

Why am I writing a blog about love..........?

That's none of your f*cking business, just answer the damn question.

Sincerely,

Goldeneye

P.S. I was just wondering if you thought that shooting people with f*cking arrows was the best idea you could think of to make them fall in love you sadistic asshole. That shit hurts. You've got to evolve and change with the times grandpa. Every knows that Ruffies are the way to go

Somebody's always looking

In this lazy age of shortcuts in life and speech, innovations like OMG, LOL, LMFAO, ect. have completely swept the world by storm. What initially began as a practical way to save money on high texting fees in the past, is now a fad. But this blog is not about trendy acronyms.

I merely had to establish the fact that there are tons of them out there to choose from.

Out of the billions of "I can not believe what just happened" acronyms, there isn't a single one that can accurately describe what I felt when I saw, what I saw.

So I was in JC Penny's recently, trying to find some bedding items and I wanted to get my wifes' opinion on which one she liked. She was still at work so I had to take a bunch of pictures with my camera phone and SMS message them to her. After taking the pics, it took me a long time to attach the photos and send them to her. Therefore, I was standing in 1 spot for almost 5 minutes without moving.

Well I don't know if this old white lady didn't see me or if she thought I was a f*cking mannequin, but she walks by the aisle that I was posted and stopped in the middle of the row and begins to look around.

After thinking that the coast was clear, she began to rip off a brigade of farts. I mean the shit was ridiculous. It felt like thunder was cracking outside. The back of her dress came out about 2 inches from the velocity and force of deadly fume bombs. What the f*ck did she eat for lunch,.... a beandip casserole burrito??? I was so shocked that I couldn't even laugh.

When she was done, she just walked off like nothing even happened.

I just stood there and tried to determine if I had just witnessed a drive-by shooting or if I was day dreaming.

When the funk of the fart hit my nose, I knew I wasn't imaging things.

Instantly, I was transported back in time to June 25 2010, when I busted my first methlab. Ganny must have eaten a Methburger from MethDonalds for lunch.

+

So anyway, shortly after Granny StankyBooty sprays me, these two fat chicks walk by. They run into the lethal funk cloud and look like they just ran into a brick wall of "DAMN". When they looked around, all they saw was my stupid ass still standing there sending Pic Messages with a dumb look on my face.

The shook their heads at me and sped off. What could I say????? "I didn't do it.....honest. It was the old lady"

So I just stood there wishing that there was someone who could vouch for me.

Damn you Ganny StankyBooty.......Damn you.

But let this be a warning to all of you out there,...Before you decide to rip one on the down low, make sure you look both ways and unlike granny, look behind you.

SOMEBODY'S ALWAYS LOOKING

P.S. If you should find yourself as a witness to someone ripping off one, don't just stand there like an idiot...........Run !!!!!

Unless your name is Michael White and you embrace the opportunity of claiming a 9.9 out of 10 deadly ass fart in order to top your personal record 9.5

Faith vs. Stupidity

Today I find myself torn between the ideas of faith and stupidity.

The faith that I speak about is not religion, however religion would fall under the same argument.

I am really concerned about faith related to what a person believes or has confidence in.

Examples would be:

The Justice System, The Government, Your Friends, Your Spouse, Your Job, and even Religion.

Hell, you can even take a Sports Team for example......that is probably the best one.

WordWeb-Dictionary defines Faith as:

"Complete confidence in a person or plan etc."

or

"A strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny"

I see people on a daily basis who believe in something and someone sooooo whole heartily that it blinds them from seeing what is actually there.

I see parents who believe that their Crack-head offspring, who has beat and robbed them several times, are going to change.

I see husbands and wives on a daily basis, that are married to lazy, inconsiderate jerks that don't love them, and cling to the hope that one day, they will change.

I see people on a daily basis who believe the Dallas Cowboys are the best team in the world and think they are going to win a playoff game.

I repeat.... At what point does faith become Stupidity?

It is only by looking at other people that I am able to see my own flaws. Sure, I can look in the mirror and see things about me that aren't perfect, but when I think about what other people do that pisses me off, it is much easier to understand the things that I do that might piss off others.

Men might understand the difficulties of living with a woman who doesn't understand that he needs his space. He needs some time to just be left the F*ck alone and relish the fact that he is a "MAN". He needs to grab a beer, kick his feet up, watch a little football and fart freely without the fear of his wife entering the "man room" and making demands.

Understanding that this is what he needs to take the edge off, will make the relationship stronger.

Believing that one day he is just going to change and no longer need this, is detrimental to a relationship. Faith in this type of change is stupidity.

Women might understand the difficulties of living with a man who doesn't understand that she needs some of his attention and time. She needs to be reminded that she is important to him and that he still loves her. Just taking a little time when he comes home from work and turning off his phone to talk to her about her day and watch an episode of one of her favorite shows is what she needs to strengthen the relationship.

Believing that one day she is just going to change and no longer need this, is detrimental to a relationship. Faith in this type of change is stupidity.

At what point in the relationship is it o.k. to Fart openly??

This is a great question......I'm sure you're probably wondering where the hell did I come up with this topic.

Well, I'm sitting here in the office and felt a good one coming up so I was about to get up and step outside. ( I hate farting around anybody)

My office partner (as well as most cops) however, has absolutely no problem ripping em. They actually take pride in ripping the best and loudest farts.

That got me thinking...... At some point in life, you will fart around someone you are dating or in a relationship with.

Hence the question.......At what point in the relationship is it o.k. to Fart openly??

Most of my questions are rhetorical, but not this one. I really want to know what people think about that topic.

I was trying to remember the first time I farted around my wife (girlfriend at the time).

I think it was about 1 year into the relationship. We were going to school in Knoxville and I was driving back from Memphis and she was riding with me. That's a 5 1/2 hour drive and a long time to hold a fart.

Soooo anyway, I came up with my game plan:

1. wait till she falls asleep.

2. roll down the window and wait to see if she stays asleep.

3. after about 1 min, let it out slowly.

4. wait another min and roll the window back up.

Flawless Plan Right?

So when she fell asleep Operation "Sneaky Stinky" was a GO!!

I rolled down the window.....no movement by the female indicated she was still sleep and that I should proceed as planned.

After 1 minute I began to release the Gas....

I knew it was gonna be a bad one cause I had been holding it for a while, but I didn't know it was gonna be that bad.

It was soo bad, it could have awaken the dead........and it did.

My girlfriend's head popped up like Mike Tyson gave her an upper cut to the chin.

She gave me a "What the fuck is that smell" look, but didn't say a word.

By this time, I'm rolling up the window, trying to play it off cool........

"Damn baby, there must be a dead animal on the side of the road, I better roll this window up."

The problem was, that when I rolled up the window the rest of that shit got locked in the car with us. So the smell was worse than before.

Finally she asked..."Did you fart?"

Damn!!!! I was got. No need to lie anymore. So like a little boy confessing to taking a cookie out the cookie jar, I put my head down and slowly nodded yes.

She then rolled her window down and stuck her head out for about 2 minutes. I don't think we spoke for the remainder of the trip. I was soooo embarrassed.

So Ten years later, I still try not to fart around her but it seems like every time I think I'm clear to rip one, she comes skipping happily in the room to ask me a question that she could have just yelled from the other room, and walks right into a wall of "DAMN" which usually ends that conversation pretty well. She'll text after that.

I'll leave the same way I came. With the important question of.........

At what point in the relationship is it o.k. to Fart openly??

Goldeneye

Is it better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all?

If I am not mistaken, this phrase was originated during the time of the great William Shakspere.

It could very well be argued by anyone who has experienced losing someone you loved, that whoever came up with that phrase is A LYING BASTARD.

We have all felt the horrific pain that follows the end of a intimate relationship.

The uncontrollable flow of tears that burn your cheeks like lava down a volcanic mountain-side is least of your problems. Some people throw-up from the intense stomach contractions caused by their loud whales of despair with Screams of "come back, come back" in the darkness as if he/she can hear you. Others can't throw-up because they are unable to eat. They turn into zombies that sit in one place for hours starring at nothing and feeling empty inside, but the only thing that can fill them up has walked out the door with no signs of returning.

When your heart is broken, your life is broken. Your spirit, inspiration, motivation, and body just deteriorates. You spend the next few days, weeks, months, or for serious cases, years trying to get back to being the person you were before you found that son-of-a-bitch called Love, who fucked your life up.

When you think back on the relationship you lost, it's not like the fairy tales where you remember the good times and how they made you happy. No no no my friend. When you think back on the relationship you lost, you think about the pain you felt when they walked out that door. You think about how hard you tried. The blood, sweat, and tears you put into the relationship and you become bitter and cynical.

*****Attention!!! We are about to have a "keep it real moment" sponsored by GTP Studios*****

(9 times out of 10, if you really were putting in time, blood, sweat, and tears into making a relationship work, you probably were the one in the relationship that left, so this blog may not be for you. I'll write to you later........Heart breaker )

-Is "LOVE" a gift or a curse?

How can this four-letter-word cause soo many emotions and transformations?

I have seen LOVE as a gift.... Wrapped in sheets, loaned from heaven, made of strands from the clouds.

I have seen LOVE as a curse......Draped with the chains of a slave, made from metal in the ground.

Is LOVE a wolf in sheeps clothing, or a sheep, surrounded by wolves? Is it a predator, licking its chops before the kill or a lonely, lost, soul, in need of a shepard.

Goldeneye