Late to my own funeral

It is a common saying among single men, that when a fellow "dick swinger" (male), is walking down the aisle to get hitched,....he is walking to his own funeral with "dick in hand" about to end life as he knows it.
I guess when you think about it.....it's almost the same thing.

They both usually take place in a church, with a preacher. The same people who are at your funeral, probably went to your wedding, and you show up to both, dressed in your best outfit, and more importantly, somebody is out of a shit load of money after both are over. Right?

I have never felt that way about marriage, but I can see their point.

Most women are nuts and it seems like God banished Satan to be forever tormented within the confines of a diamond.

***Originally, diamond rings were called demon rings, but in the late 1700's, clergy started calling them diamonds, so they could wear them too....FYI  true story***
Somehow, when a woman puts the ring on, it unleashes a demon within......Almost like when you combine baking soda with Vinegar. You put one of them by themselves, and it's all good. But the second you put them two mother f*ckers together.....All hell breaks loose.

Before the ring

After the ring

But, I digress. ..
This blog is actually about the time that I was late to my own wedding but I was explaining why some guys called it a funeral, plus, I was just giving you some background info thats all.....FYI

So anyway, I actually got married at the courthouse initially. We had a ceremony later, but the legal marriage was downtown. We had a 10:00 appointment with this judge who looked like Judge Mabalean Ephrim from TV, and she wasn't a very happy looking lady.

Put it like this, if I was facing charges in her court room, I would represent myself and save the lawyer fees, cause this lady didn't look like she was a "wrist slapper"......naw.....she was definitely an "ass-kicker" if you know what I mean.

So I was so excited about getting married that I partied all night before in celebration of this joyous occasion.
Problem was, I partied too much. I was shit faced..

I was so shit faced that I didn't hear the alarm clock go off.

It wasn't until 9:15 that I woke up and realized that I was supposed to be in downtown Memphis in 45 mins, saying "I do".
I jumped up and practically pushed my "soon to be wife" out of the bed and told her we were late....and the race was on.
We got dressed in less than 15 mins, which left us exactly 30 mins to be in front of the judge. We got in the car and headed to the city. At the first light we came to, I noticed that the gas was low. My dad always told me that when the light comes on, you got about 15 miles left in the tank. Well, the light wasn't on yet, so I kept going.

Meanwhile at the courthouse, my brother, friends, and frat brothers, were already there calling us and trying to find out where the hell we were. I asked them to stall for me and told them we were in route.
I was driving at least 110mph on I-240 and right at Parkway, I noticed that my car was slowing down and I couldn't get it to go faster. I checked the gas gauge, and the light still hadn't come on yet. So after I was stuck on the side of the highway, I realized that the gas gauge was fucking broke, and the light didn't work either.

With 15 mins to spare, I called my brother and had him come pick us up.
We made it to the courthouse about 20 mins late and I had to take a verbal "bitch-slapping" from the judge and everyone else who was waiting  on us.

I don't know what made me think about that story today. I was just driving and started laughing about it.
It may have not been the most "over the top", lavish wedding in the world,
But, one thing is for sure,
I will never forget the day I was late to my own funeral.

The Cat With The Hat

Every super hero has their trademark prop that makes them unique.

Superman had the red cape and the "S" symbol. Thor had his magic hammer. Batman......Well, I guess he just had the whole "bat thing" going on with him.

There is this super cool cat that I know who has a magical hat. Whenever he wore this magic hat, he instantly turned into the worlds most interesting man. His words turned into commandments, his moves turned into art in motion.
How could a hat possess that type of power?
One time, I saw this guy talk 5 ladies into buying "HIM" a drink.
I can't even get my girl to buy me a drink.
Have you seen that "Dos Equis" (XX)commercial, with that James Bond looking guy?

Well this guy with the hat is him.
I bought a hat like the one he has and my wife told me I looked stupid and made me take it off.
You know, maybe the reason that she didn't like it, was because the minute I put the hat on, she felt her knees get weak from the magical power of "The HAT".

 
 Damn, I can't believe I didn't realize that the hat was working it's magic. Oh well, I guess it's gone forever.....So to the cool cat, with the magic hat........We salute you.

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

Quitters never win, and winners never quit...... That's what coach Frost used to always tell me ( i guess that's why he never gave up smoking, he didn't want to be called a quitter). That was my track coach back in high school. You know, I have never really enjoyed running until later on in my life when it became a stress releaser, but there was never a time that I had stopped to rest during a run before 2005.

No matter how bad it hurt, I never quit going. I couldn't allow myself to quit.

That day in 2005 changed my life forever.
It was a regular sunny day, but quite hot outside. I was about 1.5 miles into a 2 mile run and for the first time in my life up to that point, I just stopped running and began to walk. I was hurting a little bit, but no more than any other run. Something inside me just said..."fuck it". So I just walked the rest of the way home.

The reason why that day was so pivotal in my life was because from that day on, I realized that I could just give up if I didn't want to keep going.
Before that day, quitting was never an option. Walking was never an option.
After that day, I found myself questioning if I could keep going when times got tough, or if it began to hurt.
I noticed that I found myself giving up at things I never would have given up at.
It completely changed my life.

If all you know is winning, then winning is all you will do.
But the moment you let the thought of losing enter your mind, you will bring it into existence.

I regret that day in 2005, when I quit running. I wish I could take it back.
I have quit many things since then because I learned that I "could quit".

I have spent the last few years of my life trying to get back to that point in my life where quitting is not an option. I am almost there, but there are many times that I simply want to quit.

If I can just push through that last 1/2 mile that I didn't 6 years ago, maybe one day I can once again be a Winner.

Why do people stay in bad relationships just for the Kids?

Inquiring minds have asked the above question.

I know you that you won't believe what I am about to say, but.....
I don't really know the answer to this question. Well, at least not from experience.

However, I know plenty of people who do and this is their response.

When a marriage or relationship has hit the rocks and the ship is sinking, under normal circumstances, the response is simple........JUMP SHIP AND SWIM FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!

 Now,.....If you were to throw some kids on that same sinking ship, everything changes. You no longer can swim for your life.......now you have to decide who is going to swim with the kids on their back and still manage to stay above water.

Men and women stay in relationships involving children for different reasons.
Many of the men I know, grew up in one parent homes and rarely, if ever, saw their biological fathers. They have experienced the pain of growing up as a man without one there to show him the way. Let's be honest, a woman is completely capable of raising a boy into a man all by herself.    Shit....most men today were raised by only women and turned out just fine (others, had a little more sugar in the tank than normal, but hey....everybody loves Kool-aid right?).

 But there is no substitute for a strong male figure in a young boys life. The same is true for a young girls life as well.

It is for this reason that many men stay in loveless relationships. They do not want their kids to go through what they did......."a fatherless childhood".

Please don't completely buy into the bullshit just yet.
There are many men, who are only concerned with how society will view them if they leave. They like to walk around town, bragging about how good of a father they are how they hold it down for their kids.
("WHISTLE")------Bullshit flag.
15 yard penalty, repeat 4th down.
These conceded mutha f*ckas, use their kids to make themselves look good. They buy them nice things like clothes, toys, and video games.......

but tell me this..
When was the last time that "great father" showed up to a recital, huh,   or to a parent teacher conference, huh???

 Ask him if he knows what his kids are into.

 I am sure he shows up to all the events where pictures are going to be taken though.
If he really cared about staying together for the kids, then he wouldn't be next door at Ms. Parker's house getting some milk and cookies, would he. No, he'd have his ass at home making milk and cookies for his family.

Now lets get to these women.
Most women are naturally instilled with the compassion and bond with their children that will never allow them to leave. Many of them are willing to stay in a relationship no matter how terrible or even abusive it is to them, for the sake of allowing their kids to keep on believing that "they are one big happy family".

They will trade their happiness for their children any day, and putting up with a broken marriage is a small price to pay if it makes their children happy.

Please don't completely buy into the bullshit just yet.
They are many women who are only concerned with keeping their man in their lives, so they use the kids to keep them around. There are other women, who are only concerned with how much money they can squeeze out of a relationship. These are the women who are responsible for the word "Bitch" applying to more than just dogs. They use the kids as pawns in a game, where they manipulate the men in their lives to get whatever they want. If the man wants to leave and gain full custody of the kids, she will pretend that she wants them in order to negotiate the highest possible alimony settlement she can get.

So there you have it.
There are many reasons why people stay in bad relationships, just for the kids.
I hope that whatever situation you may be going through, it is truly for the kids. Other wise, I am more than happy to donate some prayers in your honor.
I hope I never have to go through it.

Love, Peace, and KFC Chicken Grease.

You Can't Microwave Love

Parents make the comment that "they wish the kid would just hurry and grow up, already".

I know they don't really mean it, but deep down inside, a part of them wishes that they could just fast forward to the good part....you know?? Past the eat, drink, shit, sleep, then repeat, stage of childhood.

Lonely hearts, feel the same way about love. They wish that it could just finally come to their door step and be already fully cooked and ready to eat.

Fully Cooked Love on the Way

Truth is, as much as we enjoy the convenience of a quick micro waved dinner, there is absolutely nothing better than the taste of mom's home cooking that took hours of preparation. Right?

By cooking the food on low-medium heat for hours, you allow all of the deep, rich, flavors to find their way to the surface. You also allow the impurities to be released, leaving only behind, what is good.

Meat cooked on low heat will be, ever so tender and simply fall off the bone. The extra cook time, gives the salt an opportunity to seek out the meats strongest point, and then massage it into obedient submission.

The low heat of the fire, serves as a sauna, and slowly melts the muscles into tender pieces of heaven.

When you cook meat over high heat, you sacrifice flavor, texture, aroma, and the over all quality of the meat.

The outside is the first to cook, and it cooks pretty damn fast on high heat.

Just like love, 

...usually, the first part to heat up is the outside.

It's what you see first,

It's what attracted you, isn't it?

But like meat,   If you turn the heat up too high on love,  you will have a relationship that is hot on the outside, but cold and raw within.

And everybody knows what happens when you eat uncooked meat.

So next time you decide to eat some Ramen Noodles,....Try putting them on the stove instead of throwing it in the micro wave.

I guarantee you will notice a difference.

The Same Is True With Love

The First Kiss

As I get older, I notice that more and more things suddenly become less and less important in life.
This realization, got me thinking about my more happy days on this earth and things that really made me feel good.
Of those things, I don't think there is anything that made me feel more alive than...."The First Kiss".
I'm not talking about your very first kiss ever.....I'm talking about the first time you kissed each person.
Unlike most people I know, I can remember the first time I kissed each person that I have ever kissed.
With that being said, it is safe to assume that my list isn't that long.

What about you?
Can you remember the feeling you had right before you kissed someone for the first time?
With me, it was kind of like being on SPEED or CRACK....

My heart would race 1000 beats per second and my mind and body were never on the same page.
My head was like..."Do it, Do it.......don't be a pussy.....Do it Damn it"
My body was like...."Uh uh, I'm scared....what if she pulls away....what if I'm moving too fast"


This battle would go on for hours, days, and in some serious cases where I really like the girl, months.

The cheesiest thing I ever did, was to steal a kiss.

Kiss In A Bag

I can't believe I did that. It was soooooo corny, that I knew she was in love with me, because she continued to talk to me.
It took me forever to kiss this, one girl. She was like a chalk board with a foreign language written on it.....She was impossible to read.
So one summer night, we were standing outside her house looking at the stars and marveling at how clear the night was and how bright the night sky seemed.
I couldn't help but notice how beautiful her eyes were when the moonlight hit them just right. I found an excuse for her to have to look up at the big dipper in the sky, and when she did,  I positioned myself to be in perfect position for a quick smoocharoo.

Sure enough, after being unable to locate the constellation in the sky, she turned her head towards me, and got a consolation prize.

Now either her peripheral vision sucked, or she saw me there and played dumb. but, I still got the kiss.
I couldn't believe how I stooped to such pitiful tactics, but I was sure glad that I did. It finally broke the proverbial "ice".

Don't you ever miss that electrical spark in a relationship?
Someone told me that those sparks were like a bag of Pop-Rocks?
They said:
"if your relationship is like Pop Rocks all I can say is eat them slowly, make them last, enjoy the aftertaste, and if you want more bang for your buck mix it with soda… but with caution."


What's the corniest thing you ever did to get that first kiss?
You know where to find me.......hit me on the G-Mail
If you want me to, I will post about it....otherwise it will remain safe and secure in the GTP Storage facility.


Love, Peace, and KFC Chicken Grease

Goldeneye- Out

Only In Mississippi

Lady's and gentlemen.......

From the wonderful state that brought you "hell naw you don't need no permit to carry a damn gun in ya truck"...

The state of Mississippi proudly brings to you, her crown jewel of gifts......

Now, you can purchase ammunition over-the-counter at the F*&king Gas Station !!

Seriously?

This is no joke. I took this picture at the gas station today because I didn't think anyone would believe me when I told them the news.

Holy shit.......At a gas station???   Really?

So I guess this makes the profession of being a cop drop down about 7 slots on the list of "most dangerous jobs" and makes the job of being a cashier at a gas station jump 5 slots to #1.

Can you imagine what that is going to be like now???

I can, and I am going to put you in some possible situations and you tell me what you would do.  Ok? Lets begin.

So you're working the register on the mid-night shift at the local Quicky Mart........slow night......you're pretending to read a sports magazine, when actually, you have the Kim Kardashian Playboy edition tucked inside where customers can't see.

Out of nowhere,.......enters this guy.

"you stupid, little............."

Just as he's walking in he say's to the person on the phone...."We'll see about that b*tch....Just wait till I get my hands on you" and then slams the phone on the floor shattering it into a million pieces.

Then, he gathers his composer and greets you warmly..."hey there, how ya doin this evening?"

You give a confused ass nod and say "umm fine"

Now you get hit with those magic words........"Give me a pack of smokes, a case of beer, ....and a box of your Winchester .40 caliber rounds........on second thought, let me get 2 of dem."

.......What do you do?

Now lets rewind that scenario a little. We'll stick with the same job, shift, and magazine(s), but we are going to change the person who is about to walk into the store.

So this time around, out of nowhere,........enters this guy.

First my wife, then my job,...now my feefee.Why.....?

This guy walks in and he can't say a f*cking thing because he is balling his heart out.....I mean tears everywhere.

After about a minute, he calms down and apologizes for making a scene.

Now you get hit with those magic words........"can I please have a note pad, a pen.......and a box of your Remington .45 caliber rounds.......oh, and some Tylenol?"

.....What do you do?

I'll tell you what you should do.....If that mother F&%(er comes back five minutes after leaving the store and asks you for the bathroom key,......You better go ahead and call for a clean up on aisle 4, cause it's about to get messy. 

And finally,

The last scenario.

Once again, everything starts out the same, with the only difference being, the person who enters the store.

So this time around, out of nowhere,........enter these guys.

Twiddle "G"   &     Twiddle "Dumb"

So Twiddle "G" and Twiddle "Dumb" come in looking like they just left an audition for extras in the upcoming movie "Malibu's Most Wanted 2".

Now you get hit with those magic words........" Yo dawg...let me get 2 40's.........that's 1 malt liquor and 1 Winchester slug yo.......naw dawg, not 1 box.....1 bullet....gone throw in a box of rubbers while you at it".

....What do you do?

Do You Have the Strength to Let Go???

When you hear the word strength, most people envision a muscular, athlete, who could probably rip a man's arm off with one hand, while drinking a cold ass beer with the other.

......Well,  that's what I think of when I hear that word.

 Besides the occasional dismemberment of people, strength is also necessary for maintaining a good relationship with significant others.

 It takes much more than glue and love to hold it together. Over the years, a relationship will have its fair share of fights and arguments. Sometimes, one of the partners will reach their tolerance limit and decide to call it quits. 

THIS is the point where you need to dig deep within yourself and find true strength. The problem with most couples is that they are afraid to let the other person go. They use their strength to hold on to their loved one as if life itself depended on it. 

No matter how strong you are, you can never hold another persons heart against their will.

 Therefore, if you truly want someone to stay and love you, you must allow him or her to leave and chose to come back on their own. Rap artist, Kanye' West, asked the question, "do you have the power to let power go?. Can you find the strength needed to let him/her walk out the door?

  It is a very common saying that "you never know what you've got till it's gone". Sometimes, you have to let your loved one experience life without you in order for them to realize how much they need and want you in their lives. Although the majority of people in relationships believe that fighting to save a sinking ship is a display of strength, 

you are one of the few who have been enlightened, as to what true strength really is....having the power to let go!

What is Love?

To Whom it may concern:

Greetings and salutations,

I have written this letter to humbly admit that I, maybe,,,,,,,,possibly,,,,,,,,....Well...... There might be a teeny,tiny, microscopic, chance that, I do not know everything. With that being said, I ask this question:

-Is "LOVE" a gift or a curse?

How can this four-letter-word cause soo many emotions and transformations?

I have seen LOVE as a gift.... Wrapped in sheets, loaned from heaven, made of strands from the clouds.

I have seen LOVE as a curse......Draped with the chains of a slave, made from metal in the ground.

Is LOVE a wolf in sheeps clothing, or a sheep, surrounded by wolves? Is it a predator, licking its chops before the kill or a lonely, lost, soul, in need of a shepard.

Are you a soldier of Satan OR a crusader of Christ?

Or are you a paid mercenary who whores his services out to the highest bidder each year?

Why am I writing a blog about love..........?

That's none of your f*cking business, just answer the damn question.

Sincerely,

Goldeneye

P.S. I was just wondering if you thought that shooting people with f*cking arrows was the best idea you could think of to make them fall in love you sadistic asshole. That shit hurts. You've got to evolve and change with the times grandpa. Every knows that Ruffies are the way to go

Somebody's always looking

In this lazy age of shortcuts in life and speech, innovations like OMG, LOL, LMFAO, ect. have completely swept the world by storm. What initially began as a practical way to save money on high texting fees in the past, is now a fad. But this blog is not about trendy acronyms.

I merely had to establish the fact that there are tons of them out there to choose from.

Out of the billions of "I can not believe what just happened" acronyms, there isn't a single one that can accurately describe what I felt when I saw, what I saw.

So I was in JC Penny's recently, trying to find some bedding items and I wanted to get my wifes' opinion on which one she liked. She was still at work so I had to take a bunch of pictures with my camera phone and SMS message them to her. After taking the pics, it took me a long time to attach the photos and send them to her. Therefore, I was standing in 1 spot for almost 5 minutes without moving.

Well I don't know if this old white lady didn't see me or if she thought I was a f*cking mannequin, but she walks by the aisle that I was posted and stopped in the middle of the row and begins to look around.

After thinking that the coast was clear, she began to rip off a brigade of farts. I mean the shit was ridiculous. It felt like thunder was cracking outside. The back of her dress came out about 2 inches from the velocity and force of deadly fume bombs. What the f*ck did she eat for lunch,.... a beandip casserole burrito??? I was so shocked that I couldn't even laugh.

When she was done, she just walked off like nothing even happened.

I just stood there and tried to determine if I had just witnessed a drive-by shooting or if I was day dreaming.

When the funk of the fart hit my nose, I knew I wasn't imaging things.

Instantly, I was transported back in time to June 25 2010, when I busted my first methlab. Ganny must have eaten a Methburger from MethDonalds for lunch.

+

So anyway, shortly after Granny StankyBooty sprays me, these two fat chicks walk by. They run into the lethal funk cloud and look like they just ran into a brick wall of "DAMN". When they looked around, all they saw was my stupid ass still standing there sending Pic Messages with a dumb look on my face.

The shook their heads at me and sped off. What could I say????? "I didn't do it.....honest. It was the old lady"

So I just stood there wishing that there was someone who could vouch for me.

Damn you Ganny StankyBooty.......Damn you.

But let this be a warning to all of you out there,...Before you decide to rip one on the down low, make sure you look both ways and unlike granny, look behind you.

SOMEBODY'S ALWAYS LOOKING

P.S. If you should find yourself as a witness to someone ripping off one, don't just stand there like an idiot...........Run !!!!!

Unless your name is Michael White and you embrace the opportunity of claiming a 9.9 out of 10 deadly ass fart in order to top your personal record 9.5